You know when you're sitting on a roller coaster just before the first big drop, and you kinda wonder if you're going to regret getting on it? That's kinda what I feel like right now. The weightiness of this process hit me pretty hard last week as I anticipated the start of our in vitro cycle. I felt kind of depressed about it to tell you the truth. I'm glad that we're moving forward. I'm glad that we're whipping out the big guns and giving this our best shot. But at the same time, I'm also feeling kind of sad that we have to do this, and I'm scared that it's not going to work. I know a few women who have done IVF in the past few months and none of them ended up pregnant. Naturally that puts a damper on things, and makes an already anxiety filled, uncomfortable process seem so...daunting. Right now, the anticipation of a failed cycle, is so much greater than the hope and excitement of it possibly, maybe, actually working. I hope that feeling goes away as I get into the hussle and bussle of appointments and meds.
I got to touch base with my IVF coordinator this morning. I start on birth control pills tomorrow. It seems odd, I know. But it will bring my hormone levels down so that Dr. Q is in control of my cycle and can raise and lower my hormones as he needs to. I'll be on those till the first week in January, when I'll start on actual meds for a couple weeks, followed by the egg retrieval and fertilization, and (God willing) three days later, transfer our em-babies into my ute, and wait to see if they implanted. That is our plan, but of course, each step is up to the Lord and I don't know what He has up His sleeves for us. So in the meantime, I'm gonna take a deep breath, pray, put on a happy face, and sing along with Journey at the top of my lungs.