Tuesday, September 24, 2013

So Many Emotions

The first thing that people say to me about our progress in embryo adoption is "How exciting!" :) And I agree, it IS exciting! If this works, my body will be the new home of 1 or 2 babies who have been frozen in time for the last ten years. They may be at the earliest stage post conception, but they have in fact been conceived. They are babies. Individuals. And modern medicine will allow an infertile couple like us to both adopt and carry these little ones. I will be able to experience pregnancy, with all of its joys and pains. It's a pretty incredible thing. And I'm totally jazzed to be a part of it. 

But at the same time, I think most people forget that it's also very hard and can even be quite daunting. Fertility treatment is not fun. I'm going to try to get pregnant in a completely unnatural way. I'm going to lay on a cold table, holding my husband's hand while a doctor puts these embryos into my uterus through a tube. I know that we're blessed to have the opportunity to do treatment, and I'm truly thankful for that. But it's still not exactly what you imagine when you think about bringing children into the world. And even after it's done, there's no guarantee that it will work. We've been trying to add to our family through a variety of options for three and a half years, and we have a 0% success rate. I know all too well what it feels like to get a negative pregnancy test after a transfer. Worse yet, the feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach when I see blood on a piece of toilet paper. I know that statistically, not every embryo is going to stick. But how do I reconcile that emotionally, when I know that they are babies? Individuals. How do I put my heart into this, pray for the ones that go in, imagine and hope for the children they will grow to be...and yet try not to become devastated if/when I lose them? I've only ever lost them. Failed attempts are all I've known so far. How do I try to protect my heart, try to not get my hopes up, and have realistic expectations and yet still value these embryos as the lives that they are? I know that God is the giver of life and that He is in control. I do not doubt that He can do this, and yet I need to rest in His love for me if His answer is "Not yet". There are just so many different facets of emotion, and it's really hard to balance it all.

These are some of the things that are going through my heart and mind as we prepare for our upcoming transfer. I really, really appreciate the positive feedback and support that we get from all of you. :) But I just wanted to give a bigger and deeper perspective than the excitement on the surface. Keep calm and pray on. :)

12 comments:

  1. You are so right. It is very "unnatural". One time my mind drifted of to the fact that I was carrying another mans baby and not just that but...another woman's baby too! Kinda strange. I would have to get my mind back on track and think of it as I always had - as our baby. My husband wasn't allowed in the room when the embryos were transferred in me, so I really got pregnant with him in the room next me waiting. It is not the way you dream of starting your family.
    I also did get scared to death of blood. Every time I went to the bathroom I looked at the tissue! And I did in fact bleed bright red blood at 5 weeks and felt my heart drop and thought for a whole weekend that we may have lost our baby. It was the worst weekend ever.
    All I can tell you is that when you have your baby - it is all worth it. I can't say it too much. It is all worth it. Still in the meantime It is an unnatural way to conceive and start a family and natural for you to have all these thoughts and fears. You are human. Think it and then remember - it is all going to be worth it. You story is not to the ending yet!

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    1. lol, I thought about that too! But you are absolutely right, these embryos are OUR babies. We've adopted them! Contracts are signed and they'll be in our clinic soon. Thanks for the encouragement! I love seeing pictures of you and your little snowflake baby. :)

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  2. I remember the same emotions as we pursued EA in 2010. I was so scared that I would lose our babies (and we
    did lose some of them). It took us 3 FETs to have a take home baby and that third and final transfer resulted in not one but TWO take home babies. Pray in faith and *IF* (bc we certainly aren't praying for this) His answer is "not yet," He will give you grace for the next step. My experience alone speaks of His grace as mercies anew! :)

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    1. Thank God for His grace, huh? Not only does He put us through trials for our good, but He also provides the strength needed to get through them, allows us to bring Him glory in the process, AND gives the life experience to help encourage others who go through the same heartache. Thank you for your encouraging words Jennifer! :)

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  3. Yes....the road of IF and trying to grow your family can be very emotional in so many ways. You know this all too well. The thing that I always tried to keep in mind when we were going through the treatments, transfer, waiting, etc. with our EA journey was that we were helping the Lord to either release these frozen babies back to Him or He was going to grow our family through this. Especially with embryo adoption, you have to try to keep thinking about the fact that these little embryos need you (and God, of course) in order to have a chance at life. This should be celebrated! That being said, I know it is easier said than done to be positive and happy with every turn and twist through the process. I am praying for this journey to be one of joy, hope and love for you. Also...keep in mind that although becoming pregnant or growing your family may be "easy" and fun for many...we have a unique situation where we can choose to grow closer to our husbands as they hold our hand through some difficult times, we can see how much we love them and they love us through each injection they give us, we can see more emotions sometimes than some women ever see in their husbands...I feel blessed to have gone through the trials of growing our family and I have seen my husband's soul in a way that I don't think many women can say they have of their husbands. Although I know what you mean when you say that this whole treatment and transfer process is "unnatural", I try to look at it as these babies were still created by the Lord, in His perfect image, He just used some extra people (doctors & embryologists) to create and (hopefully) continue their little lives. I pray that embryo adoption will be an incredible blessing to your life the way it has been to me & my husband. :)

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    1. All very true. Great perspectives! Thank you so much for sharing! :)

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  4. ((giant hugs)) Wishing you peace during this next step. xo.

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  5. I remember those feelings all too well! God has led you to embryo adoption for a reason and whether or not you get to meet those babies on this side of life, you are being obedient and God will honor that. Keep trusting His plan!

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  6. I know what it's like to be afraid to hope, because the outcome has never been good before. Not in the same situation as you, but you know... It took me a long time to be hopeful and happy when I finally had a "successful" pregnancy. Prayers coming your way, sweetie.

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  7. Appreciate your honesty! SUCH A ROLLER COASTER!!!!!! Hoping and praying for Baby Miller tonight!

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  8. I too am doing embryo adoption. We are doing a FET this December with one embryo of mine (of my husband's gametes with a donor egg) and one adopted embryo. I really don't care if know which is which since both will be my babies even if neither is mine through genetics. Wishing you all the best in your embryo adoption. It really is exciting. You can find my blog at: http://www.rebecca-lifeofanarmywife.blogspot.com

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