At this time last week, I really thought that the transfer had worked. I experienced a few of the symptoms that I had when we got pregnant last year, and my heart was flooded with high hopes that at least one of the embies stuck. Then I had some period type symptoms the day before test day, so I just didn't know what to think. Thursday morning I went in for bloodwork, and we got the results later in the afternoon. At some point in the hours between, I decided to put myself out of the misery of waiting and did a home pregnancy test. Can I just say how terrifying pregnancy tests are? I know some people are obsessed with peeing on sticks during treatment cycles, but that is not me by any means. There is so much anxiety leading up to taking the test, and so much sadness afterward. I just hate, HATE those cursed sticks. But when you're going through embryo transfers, you can get the news from the stick or from a phone call with your clinical coordinator. Pick your poison. Anyway, after we tested and confirmed it with the bloodwork results, we did what we always do when we're feeling low - we ran away. We drove down to a great hotel in San Diego, ordered room service, watched movies, talked, and cried.
We've been reminding ourselves that embryo adoption is much bigger than us and our desire to have a baby. It's about the genetic family, and relieving them of the burden of what to do with the babies they cannot bring into the world. It's about the babies themselves. We were obviously hoping for a different outcome, but there is a peace that comes with knowing that these two embryos have been released from their frozen state and are now with Jesus. I so wanted them to come into the world, but God wanted them with Him, and my body was a means for getting them there. When I think about it that way, it still breaks my heart, but I feel like I was chosen to serve them in the most unique way possible.
Every step of our journey to parenthood has been heartache. There is a big temptation to guard our emotions by being pessimistic as we head into the next transfer. To expect the next couple transfers to result in more negative pregnancy tests would be easier than getting our hopes up and having them crash again. But losing hope would need to be paired with calloused hearts toward the three little lives that we still have entrusted to our care. I refuse to do that. I have to hope for them! My Heavenly Father can bring forth life in seemingly impossible circumstances. Though He may not choose to do so for us, He has already proven in His word that He is able, and enjoys doing so. I'm resting in that truth. <3