Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Pressing Pause

It's been a month and a half since we discovered our miscarriage. I've had a few emotional melt downs since then, and I'm sure they will continue to spring up on me here and there as time goes on. But it's gotten better. It has been pretty liberating to press pause on this pursuit of a baby and turn our attention to other things in life. Ryan and I have tried one thing after another for almost four years now and this last loss pushed us over the edge. We're exhausted in every way - emotionally, physically, spiritually....we really just need a break. 

We have one embryo left, and I am absolutely dreading that final transfer. I've transferred nine babies into my uterus over the last few years, seven didn't stick and two ended in miscarriage. The idea of getting pregnant, staying pregnant long enough to hear a heartbeat, having a safe delivery, and bringing home a healthy child seems like such a lofty and impossible dream. I really want a baby, but I don't want to try to get pregnant anymore. It hurts too much. I have hit the point where the fear of another loss is greater than the hope and excitement of a possible success. I know that God is mighty and able to start and sustain life in this dead uterus of mine. But I've also accepted that may not be His plan for me. We've tried everything. I'm not giving up on our desire to be parents, but I'm ready to close this chapter of the journey. I'm ready to be done with injections, transfers, and pregnancy tests. But we're committed to this last little life, so we're going to wait until we can transfer it without these pessimistic emotions.  I need to be able to hope and pray for it and I simply don't have the strength to do that right now. Maybe in the fall...we'll see. 

In the meantime, we're embracing the married-without-kids life. We work on our business at home together, we're both trying to lose weight and get healthy, and we've got a couple sweet vacations lined up this year. I'm sad that we've gotten to this point, but we are both enjoying our decision to relax for a little while and regroup. The Lord has blessed us with an incredible marriage, and we're going to focus on some fun Ryan and Denay adventures for a while. <3