Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Pressing Pause

It's been a month and a half since we discovered our miscarriage. I've had a few emotional melt downs since then, and I'm sure they will continue to spring up on me here and there as time goes on. But it's gotten better. It has been pretty liberating to press pause on this pursuit of a baby and turn our attention to other things in life. Ryan and I have tried one thing after another for almost four years now and this last loss pushed us over the edge. We're exhausted in every way - emotionally, physically, spiritually....we really just need a break. 

We have one embryo left, and I am absolutely dreading that final transfer. I've transferred nine babies into my uterus over the last few years, seven didn't stick and two ended in miscarriage. The idea of getting pregnant, staying pregnant long enough to hear a heartbeat, having a safe delivery, and bringing home a healthy child seems like such a lofty and impossible dream. I really want a baby, but I don't want to try to get pregnant anymore. It hurts too much. I have hit the point where the fear of another loss is greater than the hope and excitement of a possible success. I know that God is mighty and able to start and sustain life in this dead uterus of mine. But I've also accepted that may not be His plan for me. We've tried everything. I'm not giving up on our desire to be parents, but I'm ready to close this chapter of the journey. I'm ready to be done with injections, transfers, and pregnancy tests. But we're committed to this last little life, so we're going to wait until we can transfer it without these pessimistic emotions.  I need to be able to hope and pray for it and I simply don't have the strength to do that right now. Maybe in the fall...we'll see. 

In the meantime, we're embracing the married-without-kids life. We work on our business at home together, we're both trying to lose weight and get healthy, and we've got a couple sweet vacations lined up this year. I'm sad that we've gotten to this point, but we are both enjoying our decision to relax for a little while and regroup. The Lord has blessed us with an incredible marriage, and we're going to focus on some fun Ryan and Denay adventures for a while. <3


10 comments:

  1. Not many people can honestly say they have a great marriage. That is a huge accomplishment and something to be very proud of. Especially going through infertility and be tested to your limit.

    I really hope this last embryo is your little miracle. I have a dear friend in my fb infertility group that was in almost the same situation as you. They transferred around 10 frozen embryos and the very last one took. I guess you never really know what is in the works.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been thinking about you so much; glad you updated. Also glad you are taking time to enjoy your marriage and the life you have built together. Such a worthwhile thing to do, to pour into yourselves after your long journey. Praying God's blessings on you as you enjoy the "pause" together. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I pray for you everyday. I can't imagine how you both must feel. It is liberating though, to see you never give up on God's plan for you two. You are an inspiration! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  4. Would it ever work to have a friend or family member surrogate the pregnancy for you? I wonder if that's ever been done...? I for one would be pregnant for someone else and not charge anything. There are probably other people like me!
    Kristin

    ReplyDelete
  5. DEAR SISTER; take a decision needs courage but only the must strong of us can take the decision to stop this kind of project and enjoy her life. I pray for you may GOD RESTORE YOUR FAITH;JOYCE AND HOPE. When you are bless with someone who love you and you have life to live. All my wish is your happiness whatever the way GOD BLESS YOU.JOYCE88

    ReplyDelete
  6. I came across your blog and have followed your story for a while. I've been thinking of you lately and just want to add my testimony that I know you are a daughter of God, and that He loves you. I know that the Savior, Jesus Christ, knows perfectly what you are feeling and wants to help heal your pain. I am so sorry you've had to endure this heartache, but I'm cheering for you to find whatever happiness God has in store for you. Lately I've had a personal goal of finding joy in the journey of life, instead of always looking to the future, and it has helped me re-focus on the wonderful things happening here and now. You are loved!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry and I wish I knew what to say. This journey is so hard. Who would have thought that trying to have a baby would be so difficult. But yet we keep hoping, trusting God. I hope you have the support circle you need to lift you up when you feel too weak to stand..kind of like Aaron and another guy did for Moses as the Israelites were fighting their enemies. Though I haven't experienced all that you have, I'm there with you! I've decided to take a break. From trying to work with my insurance company who now says they won't cover 50% of my medications, to my body acting wacked out when I should be having certain procedures done but I can't because my cycle wasn't on time, to going back and forth with my fertility specialist's assistant...it gets exhausting and I get it. So my husband and I are also taking a break and looking forward to some vacation time ourselves. Keep resting, let others hold you and your husband up in the Lord.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Many years ago, after having one child, I encountered secondary infertility. After TTC for three or four years, during which time I was also distracted by work and other challenges, I finally got serious. I simultaneously applied for international adoption and sought fertility treatment. Three years later my daughter from India came home. Fifteen months later, when I was forty-three, my son was born. Guess I had one good egg left. For me, pursuing both goals simultaneously reduced the stress and made the difficult process more hopeful. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've been thinking about you Denay. Praying that God is hugging you tight these days.

    ReplyDelete
  10. God certainly has a sense if humor! Just as u were settling in on ur married w/o children plans He has decided u will be parents in a few weeks! Joyfully change some of those vacations! :).

    ReplyDelete