"When will you know??"

For Ryan and I, there are so many pros and very few cons to being so open about our struggle to add to our family. As I've said before, we are so thankful to have you all as such an amazing support group. Having people we know, AND people we don't, coming alongside us to cheer us on and pray for us is a huge blessing. But there is one down side in particular that I anticipate experiencing in the coming days as we wait for our results. :) Since you have all expressed such care and concern for us, I think it's only fair that I share this down side with you so that you can prevent unintentionally stressing us out. lol. ;)

I know that you're excited to hear about the results of our transfer, and because we're generally open books, I understand the expectation that we will give you a heads up on when the results will come in. But the date of my pregnancy test is one of those things that Ryan and I like to keep to ourselves. There is anxiety leading up to that day. After all this time trying to get pregnant, I've become acutely aware of my body and I can tell when a cycle has failed a few days before my period or a negative pregnancy test solidifies it. There are days when I know it's over, but life goes on and I still need to interact with people. I try to keep it together and always have a joyful spirit. But that is very difficult when on any given day, I can have handfuls of people excitedly asking me when I will test. Some of you have had the unfortunate experience of having me burst into tears in response to what you thought would be a harmless question, and I'm sorry about that. lol. You're like this-

And I respond like this- 

It's just awkward and bad for everyone involved! lol. So yes, all that to say, telling us you're thinking about us and/or praying for us is helpful, but asking when we will find out is not. :) I hope that this is all coming across the right way. You guys know we love you and will share the news with you, good or bad, as soon as we can. Thank you for your constant understanding and support! :)

It's That Time Again - NIAW!

April 21-27 is National Infertility Awareness Week. It's a week when tons and tons of women (and men!) band together and express unity in heartache. Switching over to adoption really allowed me to grieve the loss of a biological child. I am happy to be pursuing a child through the gift of adoption, and I truly don't care that the one we eventually get matched with won't look like me. But my arms are still empty. And though I may not write about every single hard day, I still have them. 

Today I am proud to be a part of the infertile community. An online forum that I was a part of early on, showed me that I wasn't alone. There are lots of women going through the same thing, and that knowledge gave me the courage to go through it out loud. I hope that publicly chronicling my experience with various treatments, a short pregnancy, miscarriage, adoption, a failed adoption match, and lots of hoping along the way, gives someone else the strength they need to be open about their infertility struggles. We all need support, and our friends and family are willing to give it! We just have to open up. :]

This year's NAIW them is "Join the Movement". You don't have to be infertile to be a part of it. :) In accordance with the theme, I wanted to make a way for loved ones to be involved and show their support. So I created a super simple Facebook cover photo that you can post to your profile or newsfeed this week.  No pressure, I won't be hurt if you don't post it. haha. Just wanted to make it available. :) You can find it by clicking here!

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 22 - 28 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples are affected by this awful struggle to conceive. If you have been trying for a year or more, I challenge you to come out of the closet this week. Even if it's only with one or two people. Infertility is a medical issue, not something to be ashamed of. I would love to see more people go through it with the overwhelming love and support that we have been so blessed with since we went public with our struggle to get pregnant. No one should have to go through this alone. 

I'm linking a mini series that I did last summer on how to love people dealing with infertility- 

• Intro
• Part 1 - avoid trying to fix or lighten the problem
• Part 2 - ways to encourage
• Part 3 - giving prayer support
• Part 4 - closing thoughts

Please feel free to pass it along as a means of spreading awareness. How do we expect people to even begin to understand if we don't speak up?

P.S. If you think you might be dealing with infertility, this is a great blog that goes over the basics. :)

Part 4 - Closing thoughts

Everything that I've said up to this point has been under the assumption that the struggle of infertility has already been shared with you. But what about all the couples that have not "come out of the closet"? Believe it or not, not all infertile couples are cool with putting all of their business on the internet for the whole world to see, like I am. haha. ;) My encouragement is to deny yourself the pleasure of fulfilled curiosity- do not ask people or tease about when they are going to have kids. :) You do not know what is going on in this private area of their life as a couple, and they should not be put on the spot to tell you. She could have gotten a negative pregnancy test that day. They could have just experienced a miscarriage. They may be on their third year of trying. It is always best not to go there, unless invited in. You will be appreciated, whether or not you know it. :)

Well that's it folks. Thank you so much for the positive feedback you've given me through this series. It makes me so happy to know that there are people who are trying to be sensitive, and eager to know how they can encourage others. :)

Part 3 - Giving prayer support

We're in another lull phase folks (story of my life, lol). So I want to finish up my series on how you can love and encourage your infertile friends. :) If you are new to the blog, you can catch up on the previous posts here- Intro, Part 1, and Part 2.

Praying is an incredibly important service to your loved ones. I rely so much on the prayers of others. I know that God is the only One who can/will help me, but at times, my heart grows tired of my own repetitious requests of Him. I sometimes feel as though I have run out of words to bring before the Lord. It is so comforting to know that when I do not have the strength to pray, I have loved ones coming to God on my behalf. Of course, prayers for the blessing of a baby are needed, I think that goes without saying. But below are some other topics to keep in mind when praying for your infertile friends (in no particular order). 

Feeling comfort / love from the Lord – I mentioned a while back in this post, how I lost sight of God’s love for me. It surprised me how easily heartache can blinded me spiritually. I felt alone, I felt that God had stopped listening to my cries, I felt that He must be trying to teach me something that I was too stupid to figure out. The  emotions of this whole ordeal really skewed my perspective of who God is, and how He relates to me. But He has proven His love for me! First by sending His Son to die for me (Romans 5:8), and He continues to show His love through faithfulness and provision day in and day out. I know this in my head, but there have been down days when my heart has forgotten. 

Emotional endurance - I don't think I have to say too much about this. Infertility is a roller coaster of emotions. High hope, disappointment, hope, disappointment, over and over and over again. It's draining.


Strength to recognize and conquer sin – This trial has definitely revealed sin in my own heart. Anger, bitterness, jealousy, impatience, self pity, idolatry, and an unloving attitude toward others, just to name a few. :) Unfortunately, this sin pattern is paired with heartache and an increased amount of hormones, which makes it particularly hard to recognize and conquer. But I am responsible for my response to the circumstances that God has put me in. I need Him to give me eyes to see when I am not responding properly, and the strength to seek forgiveness and get back on the right track.

A strong, loving marriage - I thank God that this time has only drawn Ryan and I closer together. My wonderful hubby and I have been partners in this 100%. We've cried together, learned about fertility together, and have even had some good laughs along the way. :) However, infertility can drive couples apart. There are high emotions, added hormones, sex on a schedule, and sometimes disagreements on the appropriate course of action. It can be draining on a marriage, so pray that husband and wife quickly learn how to support, encourage, and serve one another through this difficult time.

Wisdom in making decisions - There are so many decisions to make! What are the risks and side effects of the medications and procedures? What are the moral implications and/or dilemmas of this particular treatment? How will I respond to this dosage of medication? Will it help me at all? Will it help too much? How aggressively should we dive into treatment? How many cycles of treatment can we afford? How far should we take this? At what point do we need to look at our other options? How do I feel about the other options? Is that a biblical way to feel/think about them? It can be a little overwhelming at times. Many of the decisions are based on results of another, and the next step needs to be decided right away. Ryan and I are constantly in need of wisdom to make the decisions that God would have us make, and not be blindsided by our own emotions in the moment. 

As always, I can't thank you all enough for your continued prayers on our behalf. We definitely feel them. :)

Part 2 - Ways to encourage

Though I have been cut by people's words regarding my infertility, I have had an amazing amount of encouragement through this journey as well. Ryan and I are so blessed by you- our family, church, and friends who have hopped on the bandwagon with us to find Baby Miller. Thank you so much. We feel very loved and supported. Below are some practical things that you have done to uplift my spirit. :) 

"I’m sorry." Simple, but it’s a really refreshing response when everyone else seems to imply that you’re overreacting and need to relax.  A few months back, I was having a particularly bad day at work. There was a baby shower at the office for a coworker, everyone kept telling me to get to it and have a baby already, along with lots of other unwanted advice. I eventually snapped, and had to apologize for my sharp response, so I felt down about that too. One of the ladies was on her way out at the same time as I was that day, and genuinely asked, “So what about you Denay, no babies for you yet?” I simply told her "No, I can’t seem to get pregnant." She looked in my eyes and said with a sympathetic smile, “Honey, I’m so sorry.”  That was all I needed that day. She didn’t pry further with questions, she didn’t offer me advice, she was just a woman who showed that she actually cared that I was hurting. I don’t think she’ll ever know how much that meant to me, but I’ll never forget it.

Let them know you’re thinking of / praying for them. When you have a person on your heart, I think it’s always a good idea to let them know. There’s probably a reason that God put them in your thoughts at that particular moment. Quick text messages, cards, emails are a huge blessing. When you’re thinking about getting pregnant every day, it’s nice to know that someone else is thinking of it too. :) 

Follow up. Once a person shares this struggle with you, it is (usually) not taboo anymore. It’s ok to ask them how an appointment went, how they’re feeling, how they are responding to medication, etc. Infertility is lonely struggle. Showing a simple interest in the details of this journey goes a long way.

Give positive feedback. "You’re going to be great parents one day....I’m so looking forward to seeing who God gives you...I admire ________ as you go through this hardship...You’re an encouragement to me..." You get the idea. It’s easy to be down on yourself when your body's not doing what it’s supposed to be doing. In addition to that frustration, you’re in a constant battle of ugly feelings like bitterness, jealousy, anger, discontentment, and plain ol' sadness. It’s very encouraging to me when people express the positive way they’ve been impacted through our journey of infertility.

Non-verbal Responses – Words can be overrated. Paul knew what he was talking about in Romans 12:15, when he said to "weep with those who weep." There is something incredibly comforting about someone wrapping their arms around you and letting you cry. It’s even more comforting when they cry with you. When I've been at my lowest and most vulnerable emotional point, there is nothing that has helped me more than someone else sitting right next to me with tears in their eyes too.

One of the major ways to support that I left out of this post is prayer. There are so many things to bring before the Lord! In my next post, I will share some specific things to pray for that would silently, but abundantly, bless anyone struggling to get pregnant. :)

Part 1 - Avoid trying to fix or lighten the problem

Before I share the positive things that have personally impacted me, I have to share some of the things that have not been too helpful. I think that most people subconsciously feel the need to give some sort of advice to fix, or at least lessen the weightiness of the problem that their acquaintances or loved ones are going through. It's a natural response. But infertility is a medical issue, and there is unfortunately no such thing as a quick fix for this problem. A great majority of the responses I've received come across as more belittling than helpful. Below are a few examples of "tips" that I've been given. :)

Relax / Just stop thinking about it. 

This is the most common response, hands down. It's also the biggest myth ever. lol. There is no proof that relaxing can somehow make ovaries produce eggs, perfectly time sex, or make a man with low sperm counts suddenly produce more. Saying this insinuates that it is the infertile woman's fault that she can't conceive, because she is simply too uptight. The truth is, we're not stressed out about getting pregnant all the time. There are some key days when anxiety and frustration really hit hard. But when you are working with a doctor and making decisions about your health that will change your life, isn't a little stress natural? Offering the quick solution of relaxing, is belittling and not encouraging.

You should just adopt, and then you'll get pregnant. 

Ryan and I want to adopt. We always have. But that doesn't change the fact that I'd like to see a little someone with Ryan's eyes, laughing and running around my home. I want to feel a baby growing inside my womb. I want to nurse. Call me a psycho, but I even want to experience labor and delivery. lol. Mentioning adoption so casually, can sidestep a person's fear and grief that they might not get to experience these gifts of life. 

This suggestion also makes less of adopted children. It makes them second-string children that will fill the void until you get what you really want, which is a biological child. Especially for those of us who want to adopt, it is hurtful to speak about adoption as though it is just a means to an end.

Another thing to consider is that many can't afford adoption. It can cost anywhere from 5 to 25K, depending on which route you go with. While many couples would love to move on to adoption once they've reached the end of fertility treatments, the hard reality is that many can't afford it. 

You're young and have plenty of time. Just enjoy being with your husband.

Well, I may be young and I may have plenty of childbearing years ahead of me, but I may not have any. People don't usually go into the decision of trying to have a child lightly. Ryan and I went back and forth on the idea for a good month or two before we both felt comfortable moving forward. Much like couples that are 5 or 10 years older than us, once we decided to try, we knew we wanted it more than anything. :)

It'll happen when you least expect it!

So...I should try not to expect getting pregnant, when I'm having unprotected sex for the purpose of getting pregnant? ::confused face:: What does that even mean??? lol. This response is very common, even my OBGYN said it when I told her that I still wasn't pregnant after 9 months. ::head desk::

  

Take prenatal vitamins! Have more sex! Lose weight! Try organic food! Stand on your head and let gravity help the sperm!  The list goes on. :) But as with most other heartaches in life, your loved ones need you to be listeners, not advice-givers. So what things should you say? Glad you asked! That's our next topic to cover. :)

Supporting your infertile loved ones

Since it'll be another several days before I can give any updates, I figured it would be a good time to share something that's been on my heart for a while now - how can you love and encourage couples going through infertility? One in six couples is dealing with infertility, so chances are, I'm not the only person you know who can't seem to get pregnant. You have the opportunity to come alongside your loved ones, and help carry the load of this emotional roller coaster. Because this is such a private area of life, few people talk about it, and because it's not spoken of, there is a lack of understanding, and therefore, people with good intentions have the potential to say things that are unhelpful. It's a vicious cycle, and one that I hope to break through this little mini series. :) I hope that I can give some perspective from this side of things, and help you as you seek to love those around you... so stay tuned! :)