So Many Emotions

The first thing that people say to me about our progress in embryo adoption is "How exciting!" :) And I agree, it IS exciting! If this works, my body will be the new home of 1 or 2 babies who have been frozen in time for the last ten years. They may be at the earliest stage post conception, but they have in fact been conceived. They are babies. Individuals. And modern medicine will allow an infertile couple like us to both adopt and carry these little ones. I will be able to experience pregnancy, with all of its joys and pains. It's a pretty incredible thing. And I'm totally jazzed to be a part of it. 

But at the same time, I think most people forget that it's also very hard and can even be quite daunting. Fertility treatment is not fun. I'm going to try to get pregnant in a completely unnatural way. I'm going to lay on a cold table, holding my husband's hand while a doctor puts these embryos into my uterus through a tube. I know that we're blessed to have the opportunity to do treatment, and I'm truly thankful for that. But it's still not exactly what you imagine when you think about bringing children into the world. And even after it's done, there's no guarantee that it will work. We've been trying to add to our family through a variety of options for three and a half years, and we have a 0% success rate. I know all too well what it feels like to get a negative pregnancy test after a transfer. Worse yet, the feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach when I see blood on a piece of toilet paper. I know that statistically, not every embryo is going to stick. But how do I reconcile that emotionally, when I know that they are babies? Individuals. How do I put my heart into this, pray for the ones that go in, imagine and hope for the children they will grow to be...and yet try not to become devastated if/when I lose them? I've only ever lost them. Failed attempts are all I've known so far. How do I try to protect my heart, try to not get my hopes up, and have realistic expectations and yet still value these embryos as the lives that they are? I know that God is the giver of life and that He is in control. I do not doubt that He can do this, and yet I need to rest in His love for me if His answer is "Not yet". There are just so many different facets of emotion, and it's really hard to balance it all.

These are some of the things that are going through my heart and mind as we prepare for our upcoming transfer. I really, really appreciate the positive feedback and support that we get from all of you. :) But I just wanted to give a bigger and deeper perspective than the excitement on the surface. Keep calm and pray on. :)

Seriously???!!

You may or may not know that Ryan is self employed. I recently had to get new health insurance coverage, which was supposed to start on the 15th of this month. This is a portion of the email I received last night-

Dear Ms. Miller,
Thank you for considering Kaiser Permanente for Individuals and Family [Plan name] for your health coverage. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you coverage at this time. Here are the reasons for our decision: Your history of in vitro fertilization.

My "history of in vitro fertilization"????????????! *&%$#^%&*$!!!!

For crying out loud, IVF is a procedure not a disease! Furthermore it was an elective, out of pocket procedure. We paid for it ourselves a year and a half ago. And now I am denied of any sort of coverage? Seriously?? I called to file an appeal this morning, and someone will be calling me in the next five business days to do a medical review over the phone. Please pray that they change this ridiculous decision. I know that there are other options that we can look into, but this plan was going to give us the most bang for our buck, especially anticipating a possible pregnancy. ::sigh:: Lord help me, cause I want to throat punch someone right now. lol

Embryo Adoption FAQs

Below is a quick update, as well as the answers to some of the questions that I've been asked since we made our decision to switch to embryo adoption. I hope that it helps clarify things for you guys. Enjoy! :)

In limbo

Well, I suppose it's time for an update huh? It's been just over two weeks since the miscarriage and while I have definitely had my emotional moments, for the most part every day is getting a little easier. I know that I'm still grieving, and that I need a little bit of time to process and get a grip. I think the main hurdle I'm stuck on right now is the fact that I'm kind of stuck in limbo. I'm so accustomed to quickly moving on to the next plan after a failed cycle. It's become a coping method for me. I'm eager to move on and do something, even though I know I'm not ready yet. It's frustrating.

At the start of the last treatment cycle, Ryan and I had figured that either the transfer would fail and we would move on to adoption OR it would work and we would have a baby in nine months. Surprise surprise - neither of those possibilities happened! So now we are reevaluating the next steps toward parenthood. Here are our thoughts on the two options that we have on the table right now.

IVF again - A big part of me absolutely dreads getting back on meds, doing a full egg retrieval again, and the emotional toll of treatment. But the truth is, in vitro worked for us. I got pregnant. So, really, what's another few months of this? I would really love to experience pregnancy, and another round of IVF would give us a shot at that opportunity. We would want to talk to Dr. Q about what his plan would be this time around of course. I know that there are no guarantees, but I would want to see what preventative measures Dr. Q wants to take so that we do our part in avoiding another miscarriage.

Adoption - I am tired of poking myself and, I'm tired of the continued disappointments of treatment. We've always wanted to adopt, even before we had trouble getting pregnant. I know that it's not an easy road, and it is a completely new world for us, but at the end of it, God willing we'll have a child. Infertility treatments only give us a chance at getting pregnant. Adoption seems like a more sure method of becoming parents. And who knows, since we're diagnosed as Unexplained Infertility, maybe pregnancy will just happen one day for us. If not, we can always pursue IVF again when we're ready for number baby number two or three.

Both of these options have totally valid arguments. I flip flop between both on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. lol. We don't know what we're going to do. But I trust that the Lord will make His will obvious to us as we seek Him, and He will give us the strength to get through the hardships and frustrations that will come with each.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. 

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide. 

In every change, He faithful will remain.

All done!

Well the transfer is complete folks! Our little frostie thawed just fine and the transfer went very smoothly. Actually we both agreed that this was the smoothest transfer we've had. I think I have mastered the art of relaxing so that Dr. Q can do what he needs to do, while not relaxing so much that I fear peeing on him. baha. ;) And in case this helps anyone in the future, stewing on a small amount of water a couple hours prior to the transfer is a way better method than guzzling a ton right before the transfer. I didn't even need to use a bedpan today. *beams proudly* lol. The embryologist said that the embie was a grade B, so not really a rockstar, but  a good embryo, splitting as it should before it was frozen and currently functioning as it should for the stage it's at now. 

It's funny to me how much treatment has become such a normal part of my life. I'm such a regular at the office that they can just say, "hey Denay, you know what to do. See you in a minute" when they grab me from the waiting room. lol. I've had a camera probe stuck up my hoo hah pretty much every week, and I'm not the least bit uncomfortable about my male doctor working in my genitals on a regular basis. It's strangely normal after almost a year of treatment. I'm so thankful for Dr. Q and his staff at C.A.R.E Fertility. They have truly made this experience as nice as it could possibly be given the circumstances. I really feel their care and concern for their patients. At the same time, as I walked out of that office today I felt happy and relieved that no matter how this ends, I'll never have to go back there for treatment. I just have to go in for bloodwork to get our results, and this chapter of our life will be closed and we'll be moving on. <3

Hangin in there...

Finding out that our second IVF didn't work, was initially a bit easier than Ryan and I thought it would be. We had our short time of grieving Thursday and then we moved on. It was definitely not as hard to take as the first one; we were able to enjoy our weekend and not really think about infertility. I thought I was fine. But my period really started flowin on Monday night and hit me with reality again - all that remains of my two perfect embryos are painful cramps and toilet bowls full of blood. That was too much information, I know, but that's the truth even though it's not pretty. I know down to the very core of my being that my Father is faithful and that He has such a beautiful plan for us. I know that He has not abandoned me. I just don't feel strong or optomistic right now, I feel sad and completely discouraged.

I don't think I actually told you guys that the third embie from last cycle pulled through and we were able to freeze it, which we are so thankful for. The nice thing about this cycle is that we don't have to deal with the fertilizing process since we already have an existing embryo. We're just going to thaw out that little frostie and pop him/her in my ute. I see Dr. Q this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound to make sure we're good to go, and get our plan for the next few weeks. I'll give an update tomorrow.

Dear embies...

I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything to help you stick. I wanted so badly to see my belly grow with the two of you in it.

Thanks for your prayers friends. Ryan and I had a good cry about this failed in vitro cycle, but I feel like we're doing better with the heartache than I thought we would. God is still good, and we are still trusting that His plan is bigger than our own. <3

Transfer #2 complete!

I finally got a call yesterday afternoon about the status of our embies. We still had three, and they gave us the option of coming in last night for the transfer, or waiting till tonight (Dr. Q has jury duty during the day. *teehee*). So we just decided to go for it and get the little guys in a natural environment as quickly as possible. The two that we transferred were both early blasts yesterday, which means that the cells were clumping together and splitting so that there are too many cells to count. :) The embryologist said that they are really, really good quality which we are totally stoked about. We actually got the ultrasound view of the transfer on video. :) It's kind of hard to see, and very fast, but I think it's cool anyway. My uterus is in the lower, mid-right portion of the screen and the little white dot is the embryos-

And here's their first close up shot! You can see that the one on the right is a bit further along in development. The cells are much less distinct than the circles that compose the one on the left. 

And this is us, post transfer, being dorks in our room. And a little bit about the third embryo. My memory card filled up before I was able to finish, so I'll have to do that in writing. lol. 

The third embryo is still in good condition, but a little behind in growth. I'm going to get a status update on that one today and tomorrow to see if it's continue to split. We're hoping that it reaches the blast stage by tomorrow so that we can freeze it for a future transfer. :)

That's all for now! Please keep praying for the five of us! :)

Plans? What plans?

We didn't do the transfer today after all. I just love how nothing goes according to plan. lol. We drove out to Glendale, I got in my gown, started chugging water, and after about an hour and a half the embryologist came in. She said that we had two perfect looking embryos yesterday, and today an underdog pulled through and surprise!, now we have THREE. haha. :) So we had about 10 minutes to talk to her, talk to Dr. Q and decide on what we wanted to do. Originally, when Ryan and I had talked about the possibility of getting more than two embryos, we agreed that we would be comfortable transferring up to three. Given our last failed cycle, Dr. Q's experience, and statistics on infertility treatment in general, the odds of all three sticking is very low. But it's still possible. When your embryologist tells you that you have three beautiful, healthy looking embies it's very hard to nonchalantly tell your doctor that you understand and are ok with the risk of triplets. I'd be ecstatic about twins....triplets are just straight up scary. We decided to wait a day or two to see if all three embies continue to grow. Days 3 to 5 are critical. Many embies stop splitting at this stage, and the ones that do continue to split and grow as they should, in a sense, have passed another quality test. We hope that we still have three tomorrow, in which case we will transfer two of them into my ute on Wednesday, and the other will be frozen for a future transfer. If one of them arrests overnight, we will transfer the remaining two tomorrow. We're on standby till we get the call. As a friend said to me today, blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. ;) lol. 

Change in plans

My uteral lining and bloodwork is looking good, and Dr. Q would actually like to push our plans up a little bit. The fertilization is now set for Friday, and we're looking at a Tuesday or Wednesday transfer, depending on how the embies look. I guess I'm supposed to be happy about this next round of treatment, but I'm not. I mean, I'm happy that we didn't have to wait till next month, and I'm so grateful for my wonderful RE who is not charging us anything for this transfer (have I mentioned how much I love my doctor and clinic?). At the same time, I have found myself feeling pretty discouraged about things. I am already anticipating another failed cycle, and trying to wrap my heart and mind around the fact that we're nearing the end of our journey through treatment. In anticipation of coming to the end of treatment, I'm grieving the babies we still don't have. This is what happens when you're a planner by nature and you've had your heart broken repeatedly - you anticipate hurt and try to sort it out before it's even real. lol. In a random bout of tears this week over how this isn't going to work, Ryan gently asked me why we are doing it again. Well that answer is obvious - Because it might work. It might! So maybe I'm still not ecstatic about the transfer, but at least now I'm trying to get myself out of the tendancy to grieve what hasn't even happened yet. Keep calm and hope on. :]

Round 2

Sooo...we're on to round two folks. Ryan has a lot of stuff going on at work in the next couple weeks, so we weren't sure if we'd be able to move forward this month, but we can! The nice thing about this time around, is that since we're using frozen eggs from my retrieval last month, I am on minimal medication prior to the embryo transfer. woohoo! Egg fertilization is scheduled for 2/21, and God willing we'll have embryos to transfer into my ute on 2/24. Does it make me a lazy person if I'm really looking forward to the post-transfer bedrest? lol. I totally got on Amazon this morning and ordered a few movies for the occasion, and I'll have lots of time to read the final book in the Hunger Games trilogy. Yeah, I'm kind of excited. ::grin::

IVF #1 results

NOT PREGNANT

No sticky babies for us. Failed attempt #22. 

Hi

That comic makes me smile. :) Anyhoosie, it's been about a week since the transfer. I sense that I should give some sort of update, but there's not much to update on. lol. I had an awesome weekend of couch sitting and movie watching last weekend after the transfer was over. It was lovely. :) But Monday it was back to the usual routine of life. On the surface at least. :) I'm crampy, bloated, and trying to suppress the angst that continues to well up inside of me. I've been spending any free time I have at home watching IVF success stories on YouTube. Not sure if it's helping or hurting, but either way, I can't stop. lol don't know if I'm looking forward to getting the results or dreading them. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. It's emotionally confusing. ::sigh::

Stick babies, stick!

Allow me to introduce Miller Embie 1 & Miller Embie 2. :)

The transfer today went very well. :) To my pleasant surprise, the full bladder I was required to have was actually the most uncomfortable part of the procedure. ::sigh of relief:: As I'll explain in the video below, it turns out that the embryos were not in the best possible condition, so that was a little disappointing. But Dr. Q says they've got a fighting chance to keep growing, so we just have to keep praying for them. :)

This is the ultrasound picture of the embryos in my uterus-

<3

It worked!

We are transferring two embryos into my ute on Friday!! Praise God! aaaaaahhhhhhhh! :D

More details to come, I just wanted to share the news! :)

2 down, 4 pending, 12 on the bench

Neither of the eggs that we attempted to fertilize yesterday actually turned into embryos. Sad day. We knew that two was a small number to begin with, but at the same time we didn't want to create life that we do not intend on actually bringing into the world. So fertilizing all 18 eggs that came out of me yesterday would have upped our odds of course, but it may have also given us 18 embryos that we wouldn't know what to do with. We were not comfortable taking that chance. But after the first two fresh eggs were not fertilized, we had to make the decision today on how many eggs we wanted to thaw and try to fertilize again. How do we statistically give ourselves a good shot at getting at least one embryo, while at the same time, not put ourselves in a situation of having too many? Good grief. We decided to try to fertilize four more. Dr. Q is hopeful that attempting to fertilize a total of 6 good quality eggs over the last couple days should give us an embryo or two. However, if none of them fertilize we have to cancel the cycle and wait till next month to try again. 

I'm obviously going to be very disappointed if we have nothing to transfer this week. But I am comforted by the fact that we have another 12 eggs to work with next month if need be. At least that's what I'm feeling right now. If I get a call tomorrow saying we have nothing, who knows what kind of sobby mess I'm going to be. ::sigh:: 

Egg retrieval update

This morning went better than expected. :) We got 18 eggs to work with! They fertilized two of those today, and froze the rest of the eggs just in case we need to try to fertilize another batch. I'll get a call tomorrow with an update on how the two we tried to fertilize are doing. I can't wait! I'm feeling pretty good. I ate, took a nap, filled a couple prescriptions, watched a movie, and just relaxed on the couch all day. No serious soreness or cramping, praise God. Thank you all for the prayers and text messages that I've gotten throughout the day. Ryan and I feel so loved and supported. <3 Below is a video of me waking up from the anesthesia for your viewing pleasure. :) lol

*17 was the original number we got. Dr. Q came in later and told us that we actually had 18 eggs. 

Skewer the ovaries!

My eggs are ready to be plucked faster than Dr. Q originally anticipated - retrieval is scheduled for Monday morning!! So many good things happened today at our appointment today. I feel so relieved, and yes, maybe even a bit excited. :)

Good news #1 - At this stage in the game, I was expected to take Cetrotide, which suppresses the hormone that releases eggs from the ovaries (LH). This way we ensure that my eggs are still there for the retrieval on Monday. The down side to that, is that it shuts down my natural hormone functions. After the transfer, I would have to artificially tell my body that it's pregnant through more hormone intake, instead of letting my body take over and do what it would naturally do. Dr. Q suggested that we consider opting out of taking Cetrotide, since he is confident that the eggs will not release on their own over the weekend. This way, my body is able to handle things more naturally and I do not have to take the inter muscular shots in my butt that I've been dreading so much. We're going to supplement my progesterone levels (the hormone that sustains pregnancy) with suppositories instead of more injections. ::high fives all around!::

Good news #2 - One of the things I've been most nervous about is the actual egg retrieval. Sedated or not, the idea of Dr. Q sticking a hollow needle into my ovaries and sucking out the eggs doesn't sound like it would be a fun time. I guess I just was not sure what to expect, how painful it might be, you know? Well, I found out today that they're going to totally put me under for the retrieval! I'm getting propofol, AKA Michael Jackson Juice. woohoo!

Good news #3 - This whole time, I thought that the eggs would come out, we'd put two of them in separate pitri dishes with their sperm friends and we would wait to see what would come of it (this is called Conventional IVF). However, I learned today that Dr. Q actually uses a method called ICSI as a standard practice for his IVF patients. This is where a single sperm is actually injected into the egg, kind of forcing the fertilization to occur. Though it's not a guarantee by any means, it's an extra safeguard that we will actually have embryos to transfer into my uterus next week, and that is exciting to me. :)

Good news #4 - The walls in Dr. Q's new office are paper thin, and it took forever to get my blood drawn. Strange thing to get happy about isn't it? lol. Well, while my wonderful nurse diligently tried to find my collapsed veins, we got to hear what was going on in the room next to us. :) A couple who had successfully gotten pregnant with IVF came in to get their 6 week ultrasound. I heard the same thumping heartbeat that they were listening to, I heard them celebrate, I heard Dr. Q say "There's a second one!", I heard their excitement at the moment they found out they were having twins. I seriously wanted to open the door next and give them hugs! lol. They were blessed with the very thing that I am praying for, using the same means I'm about to. It thrilled my heart, and gave me a surge of hope that maybe this is actually going to work. :)

Anyhoo, that's the latest folks. See you on the other side of the egg retrieval! :)

Follie progress report

You know you're an infertile nerd when you burst with pride at how skillfully you can stab yourself with a syringe. I totally caught myself doing that this week. lol. I'm seriously pretty good at filling those babies up and injecting with little to no pain. Although, I do think that my belly is starting to get tired of it, I'm having a harder time finding spots that aren't already tender. Maybe I'll switch to injecting into my leg in a few days to change it up.

Like I said in my last post, I added Menopur to my nightly mix this past Sunday. My body doesn't like it very much - I automatically felt a difference. It makes me feel kinda woosy in my head all the time, and I've become somewhat...uhm...emotionally unstable. Happy, sad, irritated, hungry, tired, confused, sad again. Fun stuff, I tell ya. In all seriousness, I think I prefer being slightly psychotic over the physical discomforts that came with clomid like hot flashes and night sweats. ::shrugs:: Gotta see the bright side of things right? lol

We had our first follie check this afternoon with Dr. Q and everything is moving along great. It looks like I've got 10 follies to work with. :) I was really happy with that number. I have another couple check ups over the next few days to monitor the growth, and we anticipate my egg retrieval will be next Tuesday or Wednesday. 

The anticipation is growing a bit, but honestly I still feel pretty unattached to the whole thing. Maybe even a little un-hopeful (is that even a word?). Which I don't really see as a bad thing, because I know it's a defense mechanism for my heart and it's helping me stay relaxed for now. But next week is going to be a crazy whirlwind, and I'm not even sure how to brace myself for it. bleeeeeh. Oh well. If I get overwhelmed, I'm going to fully adhere to my life motto -

*teehee* :)

Let the stimming begin!

I've decided that injections are like my annoying sidekick. I don't really want to deal with them, but I know I can't defeat infertility without them. Oh well. At least they're a familiar part of the journey by now. My baseline ultrasound went well this afternoon, so we're good to move forward with ovary stimulation. I started  with 300 IUs of Bravelle today (four vials). My dosage gets a little lower next week, but I'll be adding Menopur to my nightly cocktail at that point. I also found out that the oral pill I'm taking alongside my injections, Dexamethasone, is a steroid that will make me hungry on a regular basis and possibly give me insomnia. So if I turn into a fat zombie with the emotions of a psychotic cat this month, you'll know why. Consider yourself warned. ;)