Saturday, March 31, 2012

The one that stuck ::big grin::

Blood test came back positive last night - WE'RE FINALLY PREGNANT!!! *insert screams and laughter here* More to come soon!

Friday, March 23, 2012

All done!

Well the transfer is complete folks! Our little frostie thawed just fine and the transfer went very smoothly. Actually we both agreed that this was the smoothest transfer we've had. I think I have mastered the art of relaxing so that Dr. Q can do what he needs to do, while not relaxing so much that I fear peeing on him. baha. ;) And in case this helps anyone in the future, stewing on a small amount of water a couple hours prior to the transfer is a way better method than guzzling a ton right before the transfer. I didn't even need to use a bedpan today. *beams proudly* lol. The embryologist said that the embie was a grade B, so not really a rockstar, but  a good embryo, splitting as it should before it was frozen and currently functioning as it should for the stage it's at now. 

It's funny to me how much treatment has become such a normal part of my life. I'm such a regular at the office that they can just say, "hey Denay, you know what to do. See you in a minute" when they grab me from the waiting room. lol. I've had a camera probe stuck up my hoo hah pretty much every week, and I'm not the least bit uncomfortable about my male doctor working in my genitals on a regular basis. It's strangely normal after almost a year of treatment. I'm so thankful for Dr. Q and his staff at C.A.R.E Fertility. They have truly made this experience as nice as it could possibly be given the circumstances. I really feel their care and concern for their patients. At the same time, as I walked out of that office today I felt happy and relieved that no matter how this ends, I'll never have to go back there for treatment. I just have to go in for bloodwork to get our results, and this chapter of our life will be closed and we'll be moving on. <3

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pre-transfer check in

Monitoring appointment on Friday went fairly well. My ute lining is supposed to be measuring at a minimum of 8, and mine is 10 so we're looking good there. Estrodiol levels are supposed to be at least 400, and mine is low at 231. Dr. Q still thinks it's ok to do the transfer on Friday since the levels will continue to build before then. I was tempted to ask if we can do another round of bloodwork prior to the transfer just to be sure, but I'm over being an anal patient. I'm just going with it. lol

On the emotional / spiritual front, I've struggled the last few weeks with asking God for the success of this final in vitro cycle. I know that He is the giver of life, but do not have faith that He will choose to do so, therefore I have neglected to ask Him. I was reading through Genesis a few days ago and found it interesting that the three fathers of the nation of Israel - Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - all had infertility issues in their marriages. I have read their stories individually before, but I guess I hadn't put them together until just this last week. In Genesis 18, Sarah is told that she is going to have a son, despite being an old infertile woman. Sarah laughs. Judging by God's response, it doesn't seem to be a giddy, excited giggle, but the kind of laugh that says "that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." He shuts her up pretty quick in verse 14 by saying, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?". ::queue conviction:: I need to pray for this embryo, with faith that God is able to give me the desire of my heart. His answer may be "not yet", and that will be hard, but I need to be dependent on Him through the heartache, instead of trying to avoid the heartache by pretending that He's not there. Because really, that's just a godless attitude to have. 

Ryan and I have decided to dedicate tomorrow to prayer. You're welcome to join us if you'd like; the more the merrier! :)

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thess 5:16-18

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Will Carry You

I started following a blog the other day that mentioned a song that seemed interesting. In my search to hear it on YouTube, I ended up coming across the story behind it as well. Good grief. What a testimony of God's strength being perfected in the weaknesses of His children. It moved me to tears. The first video is the couple's story, and the second is the actual song. I trust it will encourage your heart as much as it did mine. <3

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The last straw

I don't think I've actually verbalized it on the blog yet, but this in vitro cycle is our last attempt to get pregnant with fertility treatment. Our stock of frozen eggs has been depleted, we have one embryo left, and we have decided that we're not going to go through the ovary stimulation process and retrieval for another three or four rounds of this. We're mentally, emotionally, and physically done. I still have hope that one day in the coming years it will "just happen". We are diagnosed as unexplained, and there's obviously no reason to ever get on birth control, so who knows. But if this doesn't work, we're going to transition our hearts and efforts toward adoption.

On one hand, I'm somewhat relieved that no matter how this cycle ends, I'm done with treatment. No more injections, no more doctor appointments, no more negative pregnancy tests, no more planning my life around fertilization or transfer days, etc. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading the thought of a final unsuccessful treatment cycle. We want to adopt, and I know that we'll be absolutely thrilled once we start diving into the process. But we have been trying to get pregnant for 23 in the world am I going to be able to just let go and move on? ::sigh:: I suppose we'll deal with that when we get there. But in the meantime, I have no idea what my emotions are supposed to be doing. There's an ongoing battle in my head that goes something like - Pray hard for the transfer to work! Don't get your hopes up! Have faith that God is the great creator and giver of life! Have faith that His plan is better than yours! It's ok to start looking into adoption and even get excited about it! Don't get ahead of yourself, you still have an embryo!

::blank stare::

::head meets desk::


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Third time's a charm?

First things first - one year ago today, a sweet little girl with lots of hair came into the world and stole our hearts. :) She's super girly, has a killer smile, and we just can't seem to give her enough hugs and kisses. It is such a joy to be her Tio and Tia. We love you so much Brookie, happy birthday!!! :)

In other news, I'm feeling much better today. :) Baseline ultrasound went well yesterday so we're moving right along! I have another monitoring appointment next Friday for a uterine lining check and bloodwork to make sure that my levels are good. Assuming everything is as it should be, the transfer is scheduled for Friday the 23rd. Here we go 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Hangin in there...

Finding out that our second IVF didn't work, was initially a bit easier than Ryan and I thought it would be. We had our short time of grieving Thursday and then we moved on. It was definitely not as hard to take as the first one; we were able to enjoy our weekend and not really think about infertility. I thought I was fine. But my period really started flowin on Monday night and hit me with reality again - all that remains of my two perfect embryos are painful cramps and toilet bowls full of blood. That was too much information, I know, but that's the truth even though it's not pretty. I know down to the very core of my being that my Father is faithful and that He has such a beautiful plan for us. I know that He has not abandoned me. I just don't feel strong or optomistic right now, I feel sad and completely discouraged.

I don't think I actually told you guys that the third embie from last cycle pulled through and we were able to freeze it, which we are so thankful for. The nice thing about this cycle is that we don't have to deal with the fertilizing process since we already have an existing embryo. We're just going to thaw out that little frostie and pop him/her in my ute. I see Dr. Q this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound to make sure we're good to go, and get our plan for the next few weeks. I'll give an update tomorrow.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Dear embies...

I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything to help you stick. I wanted so badly to see my belly grow with the two of you in it.

Thanks for your prayers friends. Ryan and I had a good cry about this failed in vitro cycle, but I feel like we're doing better with the heartache than I thought we would. God is still good, and we are still trusting that His plan is bigger than our own. <3