Sunday, April 29, 2012

In limbo

Well, I suppose it's time for an update huh? It's been just over two weeks since the miscarriage and while I have definitely had my emotional moments, for the most part every day is getting a little easier. I know that I'm still grieving, and that I need a little bit of time to process and get a grip. I think the main hurdle I'm stuck on right now is the fact that I'm kind of stuck in limbo. I'm so accustomed to quickly moving on to the next plan after a failed cycle. It's become a coping method for me. I'm eager to move on and do something, even though I know I'm not ready yet. It's frustrating.

At the start of the last treatment cycle, Ryan and I had figured that either the transfer would fail and we would move on to adoption OR it would work and we would have a baby in nine months. Surprise surprise - neither of those possibilities happened! So now we are reevaluating the next steps toward parenthood. Here are our thoughts on the two options that we have on the table right now.

IVF again - A big part of me absolutely dreads getting back on meds, doing a full egg retrieval again, and the emotional toll of treatment. But the truth is, in vitro worked for us. I got pregnant. So, really, what's another few months of this? I would really love to experience pregnancy, and another round of IVF would give us a shot at that opportunity. We would want to talk to Dr. Q about what his plan would be this time around of course. I know that there are no guarantees, but I would want to see what preventative measures Dr. Q wants to take so that we do our part in avoiding another miscarriage.

Adoption - I am tired of poking myself and, I'm tired of the continued disappointments of treatment. We've always wanted to adopt, even before we had trouble getting pregnant. I know that it's not an easy road, and it is a completely new world for us, but at the end of it, God willing we'll have a child. Infertility treatments only give us a chance at getting pregnant. Adoption seems like a more sure method of becoming parents. And who knows, since we're diagnosed as Unexplained Infertility, maybe pregnancy will just happen one day for us. If not, we can always pursue IVF again when we're ready for number baby number two or three.

Both of these options have totally valid arguments. I flip flop between both on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. lol. We don't know what we're going to do. But I trust that the Lord will make His will obvious to us as we seek Him, and He will give us the strength to get through the hardships and frustrations that will come with each.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. 
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide. 
In every change, He faithful will remain.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 22 - 28 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples are affected by this awful struggle to conceive. If you have been trying for a year or more, I challenge you to come out of the closet this week. Even if it's only with one or two people. Infertility is a medical issue, not something to be ashamed of. I would love to see more people go through it with the overwhelming love and support that we have been so blessed with since we went public with our struggle to get pregnant. No one should have to go through this alone. 

I'm linking a mini series that I did last summer on how to love people dealing with infertility- 

Please feel free to pass it along as a means of spreading awareness. How do we expect people to even begin to understand if we don't speak up?

P.S. If you think you might be dealing with infertility, this is a great blog that goes over the basics. :)

Sunday, April 15, 2012


First of all, I just want to thank every single person who has emailed, commented, left messages, and/or texted. I have not responded to everyone individually, but please know that each note was very much appreciated. <3

Thursday morning I realized that my progesterone suppositories were pretty much pointless because of the yet increased bloodflow I was experiencing. Dr. Q wanted to put me on injectable progesterone instead, but before I started stabbing my butt, I asked if we could do another ultrasound just to make sure that the baby was still fine. When Dr. Q walked into the room, he immediately looked concerned that I was still bleeding heavily. The ultrasound wand went in, and there was nothing on the screen. Nothing. He whispered "shoot" and got a glossy look in his eyes. 

Ryan and I got home and, after lots of sobbing, quickly decided that we really didn't want to stay home. We hopped on Travelocity for maybe ten minutes, booked a hotel stay in San Diego, and hit the road. Seriously, our time away could not have been better. The hotel, actually ended up being a beautiful resort right on the bay in Coronado. We grieved, we relaxed, we caught our breath, and genuinely had a great time. This has been the most awful experience ever, but I think the worst of it is over. God has blessed me with  a wonderful husband, and we're going to be ok. :]

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Confirmed miscarriage

Dear Baby,

You will always be in our hearts even though we never got the chance to hold you in our arms. So many people rejoiced with us when they heard that you were the little trooper that stuck. You are so loved! It breaks my heart that we could only stand by helplessly as you left the safety of my womb. But we trust that God is good and faithful, and we are still going to praise and trust His plan for our family. He is going to do great things in your daddy and I as we get through the grief of losing you. 

Cuddles and kisses, 

Mommy </3

The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Worst few hours of my life

Well at least I had a few days of bliss before a new kind of angst set in. I started spotting a bit on Friday and instead of tapering off like we thought it would, it continued to get worse. The dark brown spots on Friday and Saturday turned into red spots on Sunday, small clots on Monday, and today on my lunch break I was horrified to see two large clots and enough blood to instantly make me panic. Are we losing our baby??? I told my supervisor what had just happened, left the office in a hurry, and somehow managed to make it home through all my tears. By the time I made it home, I was pretty convinced that I was no longer pregnant. Ryan and I headed to Glendale, where I had my blood drawn and then popped my legs up into the familiar stirrups for an internal ultrasound. Dr. Q warned us that since I'm only 5 weeks, it is probably too early to see anything in my uterus and not to freak out about it. He just wanted to see what my ute lining looked like - hoping to see the nice thick lining I had prior to the embryo transfer. But God in His graciousness, surprised us all with a clear view of the amniotic sac and yolk sac (click here to see more on their functions).

I'm still pregnant! :D And apparently I'm also just a bleeder. lol. Dr. Q says that the baby is going to be fine, and we will hopefully be able to see the heartbeat next Friday as originally planned. The bleeding should subside in the coming week. ::huge sigh of relief:: He also said that staying at home will only make me dwell on it and worry, and I have no reason to worry. But I'm still thinking about taking off work tomorrow just to be on the safe side...

There's always something to trust the Lord about isn't there? :) Please continue to pray for us; that the bleeding would taper off, that the baby would keep growing healthy, and that we would continually entrust our anxieties to the Lord. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

So thankful

I got the results of my second round of blood work today. We were looking for an HCG level of 90-100, and  it came back at 180! I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my coordinator told me. Our embie is still alive and well! :) I am four weeks and 2 days pregnant today - estimated due date is December 8th. ahhhh! I can't believe I have a due date! lol. This morning I was also able to schedule our first ultrasound, so God willing, we will be able to see little bubs heart beat two weeks from Friday! I'm so excited. :) I literally have sore spots on my face from non-stop smiling since Friday. lol. Though it's still very early, and we still need to pray that God would sustain life in this baby, we could not be more happy or more thankful for the miracle God has given us. 

Throughout our journey through infertility, I have continued coming back to a particular poem / prayer in the  book Valley of Vision. It has been a good reminder of God's faithfulness, an encouragement in the down days, and a little nudge to continue to pray. And now, being on this side of a positive pregnancy test after such a long wait, I think it describes my thankfulness better than any words I could have thought up on my own - 

Thou hast led me on and I have found Thy promises true,
I have been sorrowful, but Thou hast been my help,
fearful, but Thou hast delivered me
despairing, but Thou hast lifted me up.
Thy vows are ever upon me, and I praise Thee, O God.

-Valley of Vision, God Enjoyed