Monday, November 25, 2013

Transfer Scheduled

We had our monitoring appointment with Dr. Q today. My ute is lookin great! I'll hear back on my bloodwork results tonight but I've never had a problem with my hormone levels, so I'm not worried about that. Assuming that there aren't any red flags in bloodwork, the transfer is scheduled for next Monday, December 2nd

My coordinator asked me today if I was excited, and on the spot I had a bit of a hard time answering that question.  In the past, physically transitioning on to the next attempt really helped my emotions transition from grief to hope again. This time has been different. The negative from the last cycle hit me harder than I expected, and I'm still not fully over it. I've definitely been more sad about the last cycle than excited about the current cycle. If you think of me this week, I'd really appreciate any prayers I can get. I'm having a hard time feeling hopeful. My spirit is tired and even though I know I need to, I must admit that I just don't feel like I have the strength to bring my broken heart before the Lord right now...
I hear the Savior say, 
'Thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness watch and pray,
Find in Me, thine all in all.'

Friday, November 15, 2013

Round Two

Round two has officially begun! Our baseline appointment with Dr. Q went well this morning. Given the conditions of both my body and the quality of the embryos from last cycle, he expressed genuine surprise at my negative results. Our case puzzles him. Which I guess could be a bad thing, because he can't seem to make any form of treatment work for us. lol. But it can be a good thing too because now more than ever, he is quite determined to get us pregnant. I'm happy to have a driven doctor on board! :) I really believe that he has developed care and concern for Ryan and I over the last couple years, and I'm thankful to have him with us in this process. 

Anyway, estrogen injections start tonight. It was really nice to have a break from injections and other medications over the last week. Even though I developed a delayed allergic reaction to progesterone after I stopped taking it, which was weird. The bruises and soreness at the injection sites went away, but they were replaced with itchy, lumpy hives. Yay me. ;) lol.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Post FET Thoughts

At this time last week, I really thought that the transfer had worked. I experienced a few of the symptoms that I had when we got pregnant last year, and my heart was flooded with high hopes that at least one of the embies stuck. Then I had some period type symptoms the day before test day, so I just didn't know what to think. Thursday morning I went in for bloodwork, and we got the results later in the afternoon. At some point in the hours between, I decided to put myself out of the misery of waiting and did a home pregnancy test. Can I just say how terrifying pregnancy tests are? I know some people are obsessed with peeing on sticks during treatment cycles, but that is not me by any means. There is so much anxiety leading up to taking the test, and so much sadness afterward. I just hate, HATE those cursed sticks. But when you're going through embryo transfers, you can get the news from the stick or from a phone call with your clinical coordinator. Pick your poison. Anyway, after we tested and confirmed it with the bloodwork results, we did what we always do when we're feeling low - we ran away. We drove down to a great hotel in San Diego, ordered room service, watched movies, talked, and cried. 

We've been reminding ourselves that embryo adoption is much bigger than us and our desire to have a baby. It's about the genetic family, and relieving them of the burden of what to do with the babies they cannot bring into the world. It's about the babies themselves. We were obviously hoping for a different outcome, but there is a peace that comes with knowing that these two embryos have been released from their frozen state and are now with Jesus. I so wanted them to come into the world, but God wanted them with Him, and my body was a means for getting them there. When I think about it that way, it still breaks my heart, but I feel like I was chosen to serve them in the most unique way possible. 

Every step of our journey to parenthood has been heartache. There is a big temptation to guard our emotions by being pessimistic as we head into the next transfer. To expect the next couple transfers to result in more negative pregnancy tests would be easier than getting our hopes up and having them crash again. But losing hope would need to be paired with calloused hearts toward the three little lives that we still have entrusted to our care. I refuse to do that. I have to hope for them! My Heavenly Father can bring forth life in seemingly impossible circumstances. Though He may not choose to do so for us, He has already proven in His word that He is able, and enjoys doing so. I'm resting in that truth. <3

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Transfer Results

Big fat negative. Stark white and no room for guessing. My bloodwork confirmed the failed cycle earlier this afternoon (8dp5dt). More thoughts to come later, I just wanted to share the news. :'( #infertilitysucks

Friday, November 1, 2013

"When will you know??"

For Ryan and I, there are so many pros and very few cons to being so open about our struggle to add to our family. As I've said before, we are so thankful to have you all as such an amazing support group. Having people we know, AND people we don't, coming alongside us to cheer us on and pray for us is a huge blessing. But there is one down side in particular that I anticipate experiencing in the coming days as we wait for our results. :) Since you have all expressed such care and concern for us, I think it's only fair that I share this down side with you so that you can prevent unintentionally stressing us out. lol. ;)

I know that you're excited to hear about the results of our transfer, and because we're generally open books, I understand the expectation that we will give you a heads up on when the results will come in. But the date of my pregnancy test is one of those things that Ryan and I like to keep to ourselves. There is anxiety leading up to that day. After all this time trying to get pregnant, I've become acutely aware of my body and I can tell when a cycle has failed a few days before my period or a negative pregnancy test solidifies it. There are days when I know it's over, but life goes on and I still need to interact with people. I try to keep it together and always have a joyful spirit. But that is very difficult when on any given day, I can have handfuls of people excitedly asking me when I will test. Some of you have had the unfortunate experience of having me burst into tears in response to what you thought would be a harmless question, and I'm sorry about that. lol. You're like this-
And I respond like this- 
It's just awkward and bad for everyone involved! lol. So yes, all that to say, telling us you're thinking about us and/or praying for us is helpful, but asking when we will find out is not. :) I hope that this is all coming across the right way. You guys know we love you and will share the news with you, good or bad, as soon as we can. Thank you for your constant understanding and support! :)