Feelings on Miscarriage #2

Hello friends. Below is a video update on how we're doing. Thank you for your constant care and concern for us!

P.S. Sorry the sound is so fuzzy. I really need to get a mic for filming videos...

It Worked!!!

I can hardly believe that I get to write this post, but it's true - the transfer worked! WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!

And in case you were wondering, yes, three pictures of the positive tests are totally necessary because I am still in shock that they exist. hahaha. ;) I tested this morning at home and got a clear but faint positive line. I didn't want to get my hopes up until after we got the bloodwork results back. My coordinator was hoping for my beta to come back at 50 (8dp5dt), and it came back at 66! So we're on the higher side of the average, which I'm happy about. I was really hoping for higher numbers because that could be an indicator that BOTH stuck, but we won't know for sure until we see the heartbeat(s). In either case, I'm just happy that at least one of them stuck. :) I go back in for another round of bloodwork on Thursday, and we're hoping to see the beta number double like it's supposed to. :)

Please continue to pray for us. We've been this happy before, and we know from experience that a positive pregnancy test does not guarantee that a healthy baby comes home with us in 9 months. We still have a long way to go. But we're trusting God through it, and we're so thankful that He has given us this precious gift today. Our estimated due date for a single baby is August 20, and July 29 if we get doubly blessed with twins. :) Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Post FET Thoughts

At this time last week, I really thought that the transfer had worked. I experienced a few of the symptoms that I had when we got pregnant last year, and my heart was flooded with high hopes that at least one of the embies stuck. Then I had some period type symptoms the day before test day, so I just didn't know what to think. Thursday morning I went in for bloodwork, and we got the results later in the afternoon. At some point in the hours between, I decided to put myself out of the misery of waiting and did a home pregnancy test. Can I just say how terrifying pregnancy tests are? I know some people are obsessed with peeing on sticks during treatment cycles, but that is not me by any means. There is so much anxiety leading up to taking the test, and so much sadness afterward. I just hate, HATE those cursed sticks. But when you're going through embryo transfers, you can get the news from the stick or from a phone call with your clinical coordinator. Pick your poison. Anyway, after we tested and confirmed it with the bloodwork results, we did what we always do when we're feeling low - we ran away. We drove down to a great hotel in San Diego, ordered room service, watched movies, talked, and cried. 

We've been reminding ourselves that embryo adoption is much bigger than us and our desire to have a baby. It's about the genetic family, and relieving them of the burden of what to do with the babies they cannot bring into the world. It's about the babies themselves. We were obviously hoping for a different outcome, but there is a peace that comes with knowing that these two embryos have been released from their frozen state and are now with Jesus. I so wanted them to come into the world, but God wanted them with Him, and my body was a means for getting them there. When I think about it that way, it still breaks my heart, but I feel like I was chosen to serve them in the most unique way possible. 

Every step of our journey to parenthood has been heartache. There is a big temptation to guard our emotions by being pessimistic as we head into the next transfer. To expect the next couple transfers to result in more negative pregnancy tests would be easier than getting our hopes up and having them crash again. But losing hope would need to be paired with calloused hearts toward the three little lives that we still have entrusted to our care. I refuse to do that. I have to hope for them! My Heavenly Father can bring forth life in seemingly impossible circumstances. Though He may not choose to do so for us, He has already proven in His word that He is able, and enjoys doing so. I'm resting in that truth. <3

"When will you know??"

For Ryan and I, there are so many pros and very few cons to being so open about our struggle to add to our family. As I've said before, we are so thankful to have you all as such an amazing support group. Having people we know, AND people we don't, coming alongside us to cheer us on and pray for us is a huge blessing. But there is one down side in particular that I anticipate experiencing in the coming days as we wait for our results. :) Since you have all expressed such care and concern for us, I think it's only fair that I share this down side with you so that you can prevent unintentionally stressing us out. lol. ;)

I know that you're excited to hear about the results of our transfer, and because we're generally open books, I understand the expectation that we will give you a heads up on when the results will come in. But the date of my pregnancy test is one of those things that Ryan and I like to keep to ourselves. There is anxiety leading up to that day. After all this time trying to get pregnant, I've become acutely aware of my body and I can tell when a cycle has failed a few days before my period or a negative pregnancy test solidifies it. There are days when I know it's over, but life goes on and I still need to interact with people. I try to keep it together and always have a joyful spirit. But that is very difficult when on any given day, I can have handfuls of people excitedly asking me when I will test. Some of you have had the unfortunate experience of having me burst into tears in response to what you thought would be a harmless question, and I'm sorry about that. lol. You're like this-

And I respond like this- 

It's just awkward and bad for everyone involved! lol. So yes, all that to say, telling us you're thinking about us and/or praying for us is helpful, but asking when we will find out is not. :) I hope that this is all coming across the right way. You guys know we love you and will share the news with you, good or bad, as soon as we can. Thank you for your constant understanding and support! :)

Transfer Complete!

The transfer went really well this morning, thank you all for your well wishes and prayers! A few of you have asked me what the actual procedure is like so I figured I'd briefly explain it for you. I have to have a full bladder because that helps give a clearer picture of my uterus in an ultrasound. So once I'm about ready to burst, Dr. Q opens up my lady bits with a tool (similar to what's used for a pap smear, but on a larger scale), and slides a tube up into my uterus. The embryologist puts the embryos into the tube and they're pushed in with a bit of air. Once they're in, I have to lay down on the table for about 30 min and then we're good to go. It's a pretty easy and quick procedure. There's a little bit of cramping afterward but nothing traumatic. :) The full bladder is really the biggest contributor to the discomfort. Because I have to hold it, yet stay relaxed enough so that Dr. Q can work without hurting me, and all the while I have a nurse or assistant pushing on my abdomen with the ultrasound camera. Yowza! lol.

Anyway, our embryologist said that the embryos thawed without any problems and are expanding beautifully. :) It was so nice to hear her say that they were both in great condition. In our past three embryo transfers, I think we only had one little rockstar in the bunch and the rest were classified as being in ok condition. I know that the grades and "quality" don't necessarily mean anything because God is ultimately the giver of life, but it's still nice to hear such a positive response after an embryo thaw. Especially since they have been frozen for 11 years! lol. So yes, that said, here's a picture of our little ones and a few others from our morning at Dr. Q's. :)

I'm on a light bedrest for the rest of this week, so I'm sure I'll do another post while I'm sprawled on the couch over the next couple days. ;) Thank you for your continued prayers! 

Tomorrow's the Big Day!

I'm so excited about our transfer tomorrow morning!! Eeeeee! I just can't wait. I'm on a total up swing right now - high hopes and high spirits. :) That may bite me in the butt later if this transfer does not result in pregnancy, but I'm not going to worry about that now. I'm happy to be happy about it, if that makes sense. lol. I'm going to try to take some pictures while we're at Dr. Q's, so if you want a bit of play by play through the process, make sure you're following the Where's Baby Miller facebook page and/or my Instagram (DenayMiller). :)

Physically, I'm doing great. Ryan and I really feel like we've nailed our injection routine which is nice. I've found that for my body, getting the syringe in is the hardest part. Thankfully, I don't have any burning sensation or pain when the medication penetrates. We've been icing the site to help numb it prior to injection, and then I massage and put a heating pad on afterward to help the oil absorb into the muscle and prevent lumps. Although I do have some bruising and slight soreness, I haven't had to deal with welts or anything crazy. 

Side note - ^this is the new ice pack I bought today. It's got smiley little crabs and lobsters on it and I just about died when I saw it. :) Funny how a cute ice pack can make me excited about my injection tonight. lol

Transfer Date Set!

My appointment with Dr. Q this afternoon went very well. We were hoping for my uterine lining to be at least 8mm, and it's measuring at 11mm! Estrogen level needed to be at least 300 and it's at almost three times that- 849!!

So my body is definitely doing what it's supposed to be doing (thank You Lord!). :) Now we just gotta get these frosties to thaw, stick, and STAY. Our transfer is officially scheduled for next Wednesday morning, October 30th. Daily injections of progesterone start tonight, and I'm praying that my body responds as well to this medication as it has to the estrodial. woot woot! :)

Surprise Meds

My clinical coordinator went ahead and ordered my meds for me, so that I'd have them on hand when we were ready to go. During my last FET, Dr. Q just had me on progesterone suppositories and estrogen patches, so that's what I was expecting this time around. Super minimal and painless. Well his protocol has changed in the last year and a half. Sames hormones, but they're both intramuscular injections now- oils injected into my butt muscle daily, prior to the transfer and for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy. 

This type of injection is supposed to be the most painful of the fertility drugs, and I don't have experience with it so I'm a little nervous. But I am trying to look at the up side! I trust Dr. Q, and if he thinks this is the best form of medication to sustain a pregnancy, then so be it. Better safe than sorry! And it's just another opportunity to give of myself for these babies. Because that's what mommies do. :) These babies are worth it, these babies are worth it...

Almost Ready

Well folks, the embryos are getting ready to be shipped, and they are expected to to arrive at Dr. Q's office sometime between this Thursday and next Tuesday. :) I called Dr. Q's office this morning to schedule an appointment for my baseline ultrasound, and was expecting to start meds tonight or tomorrow. Unfortunately  we hit a little snag. Without going into boring details that I'm not 100% clear on anyway, the general idea is that the genetic family's clinic freezing protocol does not correspond to the typical thawing protocol at our clinic. Our embryologist needs to order something or other in order to properly thaw them. So even though my body is ready to start preparing for occupants, and the embies will be here by next week, our clinic is not ready for a transfer. 

At first I was kicking myself for not following up with my clinic coordinator to let her know that I was planning to move forward this cycle, and make sure that they had everything they needed. But you know, it is what it is. This was a totally unforeseen thing on our end, but the delay is still a part of God's plan and that's ok. Hopefully this will only set us back a couple weeks, and in the grand scheme of things a couple weeks really isn't the end of the world. :)

So Many Emotions

The first thing that people say to me about our progress in embryo adoption is "How exciting!" :) And I agree, it IS exciting! If this works, my body will be the new home of 1 or 2 babies who have been frozen in time for the last ten years. They may be at the earliest stage post conception, but they have in fact been conceived. They are babies. Individuals. And modern medicine will allow an infertile couple like us to both adopt and carry these little ones. I will be able to experience pregnancy, with all of its joys and pains. It's a pretty incredible thing. And I'm totally jazzed to be a part of it. 

But at the same time, I think most people forget that it's also very hard and can even be quite daunting. Fertility treatment is not fun. I'm going to try to get pregnant in a completely unnatural way. I'm going to lay on a cold table, holding my husband's hand while a doctor puts these embryos into my uterus through a tube. I know that we're blessed to have the opportunity to do treatment, and I'm truly thankful for that. But it's still not exactly what you imagine when you think about bringing children into the world. And even after it's done, there's no guarantee that it will work. We've been trying to add to our family through a variety of options for three and a half years, and we have a 0% success rate. I know all too well what it feels like to get a negative pregnancy test after a transfer. Worse yet, the feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach when I see blood on a piece of toilet paper. I know that statistically, not every embryo is going to stick. But how do I reconcile that emotionally, when I know that they are babies? Individuals. How do I put my heart into this, pray for the ones that go in, imagine and hope for the children they will grow to be...and yet try not to become devastated if/when I lose them? I've only ever lost them. Failed attempts are all I've known so far. How do I try to protect my heart, try to not get my hopes up, and have realistic expectations and yet still value these embryos as the lives that they are? I know that God is the giver of life and that He is in control. I do not doubt that He can do this, and yet I need to rest in His love for me if His answer is "Not yet". There are just so many different facets of emotion, and it's really hard to balance it all.

These are some of the things that are going through my heart and mind as we prepare for our upcoming transfer. I really, really appreciate the positive feedback and support that we get from all of you. :) But I just wanted to give a bigger and deeper perspective than the excitement on the surface. Keep calm and pray on. :)

Embryo Adoption FAQs

Below is a quick update, as well as the answers to some of the questions that I've been asked since we made our decision to switch to embryo adoption. I hope that it helps clarify things for you guys. Enjoy! :)

Embryo Adoption Here We Come!

In case you didn't see on our facebook page, we received word yesterday that the birthmom ended up choosing a different couple. Although we would have been thrilled to be matched again, especially with twins, we knew that the risk for this situation was high and we were slightly relieved that the door on that opportunity was closed so gracefully. We have been seriously considering a different form of adoption, and the sense of relief we felt at the end of this possibility really gave us confidence to move forward with our other option - Embryo Adoption. :) Below is a video blog with the whole scoop. :)

The one that stuck ::big grin::

Blood test came back positive last night - WE'RE FINALLY PREGNANT!!! *insert screams and laughter here* More to come soon!

Hangin in there...

Finding out that our second IVF didn't work, was initially a bit easier than Ryan and I thought it would be. We had our short time of grieving Thursday and then we moved on. It was definitely not as hard to take as the first one; we were able to enjoy our weekend and not really think about infertility. I thought I was fine. But my period really started flowin on Monday night and hit me with reality again - all that remains of my two perfect embryos are painful cramps and toilet bowls full of blood. That was too much information, I know, but that's the truth even though it's not pretty. I know down to the very core of my being that my Father is faithful and that He has such a beautiful plan for us. I know that He has not abandoned me. I just don't feel strong or optomistic right now, I feel sad and completely discouraged.

I don't think I actually told you guys that the third embie from last cycle pulled through and we were able to freeze it, which we are so thankful for. The nice thing about this cycle is that we don't have to deal with the fertilizing process since we already have an existing embryo. We're just going to thaw out that little frostie and pop him/her in my ute. I see Dr. Q this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound to make sure we're good to go, and get our plan for the next few weeks. I'll give an update tomorrow.

Dear embies...

I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything to help you stick. I wanted so badly to see my belly grow with the two of you in it.

Thanks for your prayers friends. Ryan and I had a good cry about this failed in vitro cycle, but I feel like we're doing better with the heartache than I thought we would. God is still good, and we are still trusting that His plan is bigger than our own. <3

Transfer #2 complete!

I finally got a call yesterday afternoon about the status of our embies. We still had three, and they gave us the option of coming in last night for the transfer, or waiting till tonight (Dr. Q has jury duty during the day. *teehee*). So we just decided to go for it and get the little guys in a natural environment as quickly as possible. The two that we transferred were both early blasts yesterday, which means that the cells were clumping together and splitting so that there are too many cells to count. :) The embryologist said that they are really, really good quality which we are totally stoked about. We actually got the ultrasound view of the transfer on video. :) It's kind of hard to see, and very fast, but I think it's cool anyway. My uterus is in the lower, mid-right portion of the screen and the little white dot is the embryos-

And here's their first close up shot! You can see that the one on the right is a bit further along in development. The cells are much less distinct than the circles that compose the one on the left. 

And this is us, post transfer, being dorks in our room. And a little bit about the third embryo. My memory card filled up before I was able to finish, so I'll have to do that in writing. lol. 

The third embryo is still in good condition, but a little behind in growth. I'm going to get a status update on that one today and tomorrow to see if it's continue to split. We're hoping that it reaches the blast stage by tomorrow so that we can freeze it for a future transfer. :)

That's all for now! Please keep praying for the five of us! :)

Plans? What plans?

We didn't do the transfer today after all. I just love how nothing goes according to plan. lol. We drove out to Glendale, I got in my gown, started chugging water, and after about an hour and a half the embryologist came in. She said that we had two perfect looking embryos yesterday, and today an underdog pulled through and surprise!, now we have THREE. haha. :) So we had about 10 minutes to talk to her, talk to Dr. Q and decide on what we wanted to do. Originally, when Ryan and I had talked about the possibility of getting more than two embryos, we agreed that we would be comfortable transferring up to three. Given our last failed cycle, Dr. Q's experience, and statistics on infertility treatment in general, the odds of all three sticking is very low. But it's still possible. When your embryologist tells you that you have three beautiful, healthy looking embies it's very hard to nonchalantly tell your doctor that you understand and are ok with the risk of triplets. I'd be ecstatic about twins....triplets are just straight up scary. We decided to wait a day or two to see if all three embies continue to grow. Days 3 to 5 are critical. Many embies stop splitting at this stage, and the ones that do continue to split and grow as they should, in a sense, have passed another quality test. We hope that we still have three tomorrow, in which case we will transfer two of them into my ute on Wednesday, and the other will be frozen for a future transfer. If one of them arrests overnight, we will transfer the remaining two tomorrow. We're on standby till we get the call. As a friend said to me today, blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. ;) lol. 

Even EARLIER transfer

I got a call from the embryologist today with the status of our embies. She said that we have two perfect looking embryos and Dr. Q would like to get them into my ute tomorrow instead of waiting till Tuesday or Wednesday. I was not expecting that. lol. So yeah, we're heading off to Glendale tomorrow for the 9:30am transfer. Please pray for us and our two little guys! :)

Change in plans

My uteral lining and bloodwork is looking good, and Dr. Q would actually like to push our plans up a little bit. The fertilization is now set for Friday, and we're looking at a Tuesday or Wednesday transfer, depending on how the embies look. I guess I'm supposed to be happy about this next round of treatment, but I'm not. I mean, I'm happy that we didn't have to wait till next month, and I'm so grateful for my wonderful RE who is not charging us anything for this transfer (have I mentioned how much I love my doctor and clinic?). At the same time, I have found myself feeling pretty discouraged about things. I am already anticipating another failed cycle, and trying to wrap my heart and mind around the fact that we're nearing the end of our journey through treatment. In anticipation of coming to the end of treatment, I'm grieving the babies we still don't have. This is what happens when you're a planner by nature and you've had your heart broken repeatedly - you anticipate hurt and try to sort it out before it's even real. lol. In a random bout of tears this week over how this isn't going to work, Ryan gently asked me why we are doing it again. Well that answer is obvious - Because it might work. It might! So maybe I'm still not ecstatic about the transfer, but at least now I'm trying to get myself out of the tendancy to grieve what hasn't even happened yet. Keep calm and hope on. :]

Round 2

Sooo...we're on to round two folks. Ryan has a lot of stuff going on at work in the next couple weeks, so we weren't sure if we'd be able to move forward this month, but we can! The nice thing about this time around, is that since we're using frozen eggs from my retrieval last month, I am on minimal medication prior to the embryo transfer. woohoo! Egg fertilization is scheduled for 2/21, and God willing we'll have embryos to transfer into my ute on 2/24. Does it make me a lazy person if I'm really looking forward to the post-transfer bedrest? lol. I totally got on Amazon this morning and ordered a few movies for the occasion, and I'll have lots of time to read the final book in the Hunger Games trilogy. Yeah, I'm kind of excited. ::grin::