Thoughts About Mother's Day

I have very mixed emotions about Mother's Day this year. It's always been hard for me. I think it has made me extra emotional in the past because it is right around the time we started trying to get pregnant. So not only was it a reminder that I was not a mom, but it was a reminder immediately following another "anniversary" of a failed year. C'est la vie. But the timing of things is not exactly a consequence that you think through when you start trying to get pregnant. ;)

Prior to this adoption, I had plans to ditch church on Mother's Day this year. People have the best intentions at heart, and I appreciated the thought behind wanting to make me feel included...but in truth most just don't know what to say to someone who has experienced infertility and/or loss. In all fairness, I'm not sure what I've wanted or needed to hear, I just know it hasn't been said. lol. Last year after rushing to the car to cry after church, I decided that I don't need to put myself in that position anymore. I planned to stay home this Sunday. But in God's perfect timing, I am writing this post on my bed, next to the cutest pair of little legs I've ever seen. Elias has his arms thrown up over his head and is snoring, cause he's a loud sleeper like that. :) After almost exactly four years of trying to add to our family, in every which way, he's here. I'm a mom. Just in time for Mother's Day.

Much to my surprise, sheer happiness is not the only emotion that I have when I think about Sunday. I am thinking about how I felt last year. I'm thinking about how just a few short months ago, we miscarried and felt such defeat and anguish over the constant string of losses we've experienced. I'm thinking about the women who are going to spend Sunday in tears because infertility, pregnancy loss, or the death of a child has left their arms empty. My heart aches for them whether I know them personally or not. I'm thinking about Elias' birthmom, and wondering how she and all the other birthmoms in the world might be feeling. I'm thinking and feeling all these sad things. But mostly I'm feeling overwhelmed with gratefulness. I can't even put into words how thankful I am that God faithfully led us through a long, dark season, and it's suddenly over. He gave us the most incredible blessing in this baby boy and my cup runneth over. <3

Pressing Pause

It's been a month and a half since we discovered our miscarriage. I've had a few emotional melt downs since then, and I'm sure they will continue to spring up on me here and there as time goes on. But it's gotten better. It has been pretty liberating to press pause on this pursuit of a baby and turn our attention to other things in life. Ryan and I have tried one thing after another for almost four years now and this last loss pushed us over the edge. We're exhausted in every way - emotionally, physically, spiritually....we really just need a break. 

We have one embryo left, and I am absolutely dreading that final transfer. I've transferred nine babies into my uterus over the last few years, seven didn't stick and two ended in miscarriage. The idea of getting pregnant, staying pregnant long enough to hear a heartbeat, having a safe delivery, and bringing home a healthy child seems like such a lofty and impossible dream. I really want a baby, but I don't want to try to get pregnant anymore. It hurts too much. I have hit the point where the fear of another loss is greater than the hope and excitement of a possible success. I know that God is mighty and able to start and sustain life in this dead uterus of mine. But I've also accepted that may not be His plan for me. We've tried everything. I'm not giving up on our desire to be parents, but I'm ready to close this chapter of the journey. I'm ready to be done with injections, transfers, and pregnancy tests. But we're committed to this last little life, so we're going to wait until we can transfer it without these pessimistic emotions.  I need to be able to hope and pray for it and I simply don't have the strength to do that right now. Maybe in the fall...we'll see. 

In the meantime, we're embracing the married-without-kids life. We work on our business at home together, we're both trying to lose weight and get healthy, and we've got a couple sweet vacations lined up this year. I'm sad that we've gotten to this point, but we are both enjoying our decision to relax for a little while and regroup. The Lord has blessed us with an incredible marriage, and we're going to focus on some fun Ryan and Denay adventures for a while. <3

Feelings on Miscarriage #2

Hello friends. Below is a video update on how we're doing. Thank you for your constant care and concern for us!

P.S. Sorry the sound is so fuzzy. I really need to get a mic for filming videos...

It Worked!!!

I can hardly believe that I get to write this post, but it's true - the transfer worked! WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!

And in case you were wondering, yes, three pictures of the positive tests are totally necessary because I am still in shock that they exist. hahaha. ;) I tested this morning at home and got a clear but faint positive line. I didn't want to get my hopes up until after we got the bloodwork results back. My coordinator was hoping for my beta to come back at 50 (8dp5dt), and it came back at 66! So we're on the higher side of the average, which I'm happy about. I was really hoping for higher numbers because that could be an indicator that BOTH stuck, but we won't know for sure until we see the heartbeat(s). In either case, I'm just happy that at least one of them stuck. :) I go back in for another round of bloodwork on Thursday, and we're hoping to see the beta number double like it's supposed to. :)

Please continue to pray for us. We've been this happy before, and we know from experience that a positive pregnancy test does not guarantee that a healthy baby comes home with us in 9 months. We still have a long way to go. But we're trusting God through it, and we're so thankful that He has given us this precious gift today. Our estimated due date for a single baby is August 20, and July 29 if we get doubly blessed with twins. :) Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Worth Watching :)

Back in this February post, I mentioned a upcoming movie called The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Ryan and I saw it over the weekend, and I am officially giving it my stamp of approval. :) It's got infertility, adoption, a good cast, and a cute storyline. Definitely worth watching, in my opinion. :) The trailer is below, if you've never seen it.

I'm Still Infertile

I've been thinking a lot about infertility this week. I have reflected our IVF days and mentally relived finding out we were pregnant, and the devastation of losing our little baby two short weeks later. I had a good cry about it last night with Ryan. And this morning I looked at pictures of the little embryos that God blessed us with earlier this year. 

Babies 1 and 2

Babies 3 and 4

And Baby 5, the little trooper that hung on the longest  

Switching gears from treatment to adoption lifted so much stress and constant discouragement off of my heart. I am soooo excited to start actually moving forward now that we've picked an agency. But I'm also still infertile. And I think it's ok to be sad and cry about that from time to time, even if it springs up on me in the middle of adoption excitement.

I don't know how long our adoption process will take, but it could be another couple years before God gives us a baby to bring home. I am resting in the fact that He has given us strength thus far. I know that He will supply grace to us to get through whatever wait He has in mind for our family in the future. <3

In limbo

Well, I suppose it's time for an update huh? It's been just over two weeks since the miscarriage and while I have definitely had my emotional moments, for the most part every day is getting a little easier. I know that I'm still grieving, and that I need a little bit of time to process and get a grip. I think the main hurdle I'm stuck on right now is the fact that I'm kind of stuck in limbo. I'm so accustomed to quickly moving on to the next plan after a failed cycle. It's become a coping method for me. I'm eager to move on and do something, even though I know I'm not ready yet. It's frustrating.

At the start of the last treatment cycle, Ryan and I had figured that either the transfer would fail and we would move on to adoption OR it would work and we would have a baby in nine months. Surprise surprise - neither of those possibilities happened! So now we are reevaluating the next steps toward parenthood. Here are our thoughts on the two options that we have on the table right now.

IVF again - A big part of me absolutely dreads getting back on meds, doing a full egg retrieval again, and the emotional toll of treatment. But the truth is, in vitro worked for us. I got pregnant. So, really, what's another few months of this? I would really love to experience pregnancy, and another round of IVF would give us a shot at that opportunity. We would want to talk to Dr. Q about what his plan would be this time around of course. I know that there are no guarantees, but I would want to see what preventative measures Dr. Q wants to take so that we do our part in avoiding another miscarriage.

Adoption - I am tired of poking myself and, I'm tired of the continued disappointments of treatment. We've always wanted to adopt, even before we had trouble getting pregnant. I know that it's not an easy road, and it is a completely new world for us, but at the end of it, God willing we'll have a child. Infertility treatments only give us a chance at getting pregnant. Adoption seems like a more sure method of becoming parents. And who knows, since we're diagnosed as Unexplained Infertility, maybe pregnancy will just happen one day for us. If not, we can always pursue IVF again when we're ready for number baby number two or three.

Both of these options have totally valid arguments. I flip flop between both on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. lol. We don't know what we're going to do. But I trust that the Lord will make His will obvious to us as we seek Him, and He will give us the strength to get through the hardships and frustrations that will come with each.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. 

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide. 

In every change, He faithful will remain.

All done!

Well the transfer is complete folks! Our little frostie thawed just fine and the transfer went very smoothly. Actually we both agreed that this was the smoothest transfer we've had. I think I have mastered the art of relaxing so that Dr. Q can do what he needs to do, while not relaxing so much that I fear peeing on him. baha. ;) And in case this helps anyone in the future, stewing on a small amount of water a couple hours prior to the transfer is a way better method than guzzling a ton right before the transfer. I didn't even need to use a bedpan today. *beams proudly* lol. The embryologist said that the embie was a grade B, so not really a rockstar, but  a good embryo, splitting as it should before it was frozen and currently functioning as it should for the stage it's at now. 

It's funny to me how much treatment has become such a normal part of my life. I'm such a regular at the office that they can just say, "hey Denay, you know what to do. See you in a minute" when they grab me from the waiting room. lol. I've had a camera probe stuck up my hoo hah pretty much every week, and I'm not the least bit uncomfortable about my male doctor working in my genitals on a regular basis. It's strangely normal after almost a year of treatment. I'm so thankful for Dr. Q and his staff at C.A.R.E Fertility. They have truly made this experience as nice as it could possibly be given the circumstances. I really feel their care and concern for their patients. At the same time, as I walked out of that office today I felt happy and relieved that no matter how this ends, I'll never have to go back there for treatment. I just have to go in for bloodwork to get our results, and this chapter of our life will be closed and we'll be moving on. <3

Pre-transfer check in

Monitoring appointment on Friday went fairly well. My ute lining is supposed to be measuring at a minimum of 8, and mine is 10 so we're looking good there. Estrodiol levels are supposed to be at least 400, and mine is low at 231. Dr. Q still thinks it's ok to do the transfer on Friday since the levels will continue to build before then. I was tempted to ask if we can do another round of bloodwork prior to the transfer just to be sure, but I'm over being an anal patient. I'm just going with it. lol

On the emotional / spiritual front, I've struggled the last few weeks with asking God for the success of this final in vitro cycle. I know that He is the giver of life, but do not have faith that He will choose to do so, therefore I have neglected to ask Him. I was reading through Genesis a few days ago and found it interesting that the three fathers of the nation of Israel - Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - all had infertility issues in their marriages. I have read their stories individually before, but I guess I hadn't put them together until just this last week. In Genesis 18, Sarah is told that she is going to have a son, despite being an old infertile woman. Sarah laughs. Judging by God's response, it doesn't seem to be a giddy, excited giggle, but the kind of laugh that says "that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." He shuts her up pretty quick in verse 14 by saying, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?". ::queue conviction:: I need to pray for this embryo, with faith that God is able to give me the desire of my heart. His answer may be "not yet", and that will be hard, but I need to be dependent on Him through the heartache, instead of trying to avoid the heartache by pretending that He's not there. Because really, that's just a godless attitude to have. 

Ryan and I have decided to dedicate tomorrow to prayer. You're welcome to join us if you'd like; the more the merrier! :)

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thess 5:16-18

The last straw

I don't think I've actually verbalized it on the blog yet, but this in vitro cycle is our last attempt to get pregnant with fertility treatment. Our stock of frozen eggs has been depleted, we have one embryo left, and we have decided that we're not going to go through the ovary stimulation process and retrieval for another three or four rounds of this. We're mentally, emotionally, and physically done. I still have hope that one day in the coming years it will "just happen". We are diagnosed as unexplained, and there's obviously no reason to ever get on birth control, so who knows. But if this doesn't work, we're going to transition our hearts and efforts toward adoption.

On one hand, I'm somewhat relieved that no matter how this cycle ends, I'm done with treatment. No more injections, no more doctor appointments, no more negative pregnancy tests, no more planning my life around fertilization or transfer days, etc. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading the thought of a final unsuccessful treatment cycle. We want to adopt, and I know that we'll be absolutely thrilled once we start diving into the process. But we have been trying to get pregnant for 23 months...how in the world am I going to be able to just let go and move on? ::sigh:: I suppose we'll deal with that when we get there. But in the meantime, I have no idea what my emotions are supposed to be doing. There's an ongoing battle in my head that goes something like - Pray hard for the transfer to work! Don't get your hopes up! Have faith that God is the great creator and giver of life! Have faith that His plan is better than yours! It's ok to start looking into adoption and even get excited about it! Don't get ahead of yourself, you still have an embryo!

::blank stare::

::head meets desk::

lol

Infertility movies??

I've been purposefully trying to find movies that reference infertility. So far, Julie & Julia, Up, and Juno are the only ones I've come up with and in all three the topic is suuuuuper subtle. The Help featured things a little more bluntly, but it was still just a part of the story. Why aren't there more movies about infertility? I mean this awful thing affects one in six couples, you'd think that there would be a decent, mainstream movie about it after all this time. Wouldn't it be awesome to watch an honest portrayal of a couple going through it? And imagine what a movie like that could do for infertility awareness! I did come across this trailer the other day, which seems like it could possibly have some potential-

It could also be totally cheesy, but in either case, I'm looking forward to checking it out. Anyway, that was kind of random, but it was on my mind so I thought I'd share. Carry on. ;) 

Post IVF feelings (part 2)

So I realized that in my haste to let everyone know I'm doing fine, I actually ended up sharing only the downer parts. haha. Sorry guys. There was an up side to my thought process, I promise! lol.

I was just thinking about how easy it is to wonder why God allows us to go through difficult things in life. We're so quick to question His motives, accuse Him of being unfair, pull away from Him for not giving us what we feel we deserve. But the truth is, my God is so much greater than the circumstances I'm in. His perspective is so much bigger and grander than what I can see. I don't have to understand all the details, and He doesn't owe me an explanation of how it is all going to end. I just need to take His hand and let Him lead me one step at a time. I wholeheartedly believe that battling infertility is the best thing for Ryan and I right now, and it is somehow giving God the most glory that it possibly could. When I think about it that way...it's all so worth it. How gracious and loving of my Father to include my good in His purpose! I mean, really, He didn't have to. And even if it was only for His glory alone, my heartache is such a small price to pay for the privilege of making my Savior look beautiful.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him

How I've proved Him o're and o're.

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust Him more

Another bump in the road

When we talked to Dr. Q a few weeks ago, he gave us a rough estimate for the cost of a Mini IVF which we thought was totally doable. However, after going over finances with the office manager this week, it turns out that the estimate did not include the cost of meds. I got a quote from the pharmacy yesterday which confirmed that my insurance is not covering anything, and my cost for meds alone is over $2,000. That brings our total IVF cost to over $7,000, which we simply can't pay right now. We're going to need at least another month to save before we can move forward. ::head desk::

I was pretty frustrated yesterday, I’m not gonna lie. As ridiculous as it might be, I had secretly hoped that maybe God would surprise us this month with a natural pregnancy. But I started my period just prior to the call from the pharmacy, so there went that idea. Earlier this week, I thought that my period would mean the start of the IVF procedures. Instead it ended up being an annoying reminder that we can’t get pregnant on our own, and as a result, it is going to cost us seven grand. And it’s not even guaranteed to work! For crying out loud, why can’t we just conceive for free like a normal couple??? ::sigh::


Oddly enough, Ryan and I happened to have a Bible study planned with another couple from church last night. I wasn't exactly in the mood for being social, but I decided to pull myself together and get through our lesson. And whatdoyouknow, our passage was Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and pettition, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Great. Just when I feel like being mad, I have to go read that verse. hahaha. ;) It was just what I needed to hear. I have a lot to be thankful for. The God who has provided abundant blessings for me, is the same God who is in control of our struggle right now. And He wants me to talk to Him about this. He wants me to ask Him for a baby. My infertility is not too small a problem for Him to listen to, and it is not too big for Him to fix. My job is just to lay it at His feet continually, and trust in Him to do the rest in His timing, not mine.

The next step

Last Wednesday, we walked into Dr. Q's office thinking that we were deciding between a final IUI, and moving on to adoption. Upon leaving the office, we tossed the idea of another IUI out the window, and started seriously considering a third option - in vitro fertilization. We have done a lot of mental processing and talking things out with each other in the last week and a half. We have also sought counsel from a few key people that we trust, and have received unanimous affirmation that IVF is the option that makes the most sense. We feel that God has confirmed this as the next step in our journey, and we are excited to move forward in the coming weeks. :)
Now, those of you in the infertility boat are actually a minority of my followers, so I need to take a minute to explain what IVF is. So far what we've been doing is IUI (intrauterine insemination). Which is putting the sperm directly into the uterus at about the time of ovulation. The hope was that at least one of my peeps would meet up with one of Ryan's peeps and the two would become a baby and cozy up in my ute. IVF will be different, in that embryos are conceived outside the body and placed in my ute afterward. I will go through more ovary stimulation to produce a larger quantity of eggs. The eggs are then harvested, fertilized in a lab, and then the resulting embryos are transferred into my uterus in the hopes that they implant and become a pregnancy. Below is a simple 3D animation of the process if you'd like to check it out.

Our plan is to fertilize two eggs, God willing we'll be able to transfer two embryos, and then pray for two babies. We're goin for twins!! ::grin::

Moving right along

Yesterday's appointment went well. Basically, Dr. Q wants to be careful not to stimulate too many eggs (4-8) since I’m young and haven’t established a history of failed IUIs just yet. So we’re going to try to get two or three eggs again, this time using only injectable meds instead of the Clomid/inject combo that I did last cycle. This will help both the quality and quantity of my eggs. It's a little more aggressive, without being too risky, which I am happy with. I started my injects yesterday, and I'm really hoping that I can get three good sized follies from it. I will feel like we actually have a good shot at this with three. But we'll see what God has for us this time around. :)

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

Part 4 - Closing thoughts

Everything that I've said up to this point has been under the assumption that the struggle of infertility has already been shared with you. But what about all the couples that have not "come out of the closet"? Believe it or not, not all infertile couples are cool with putting all of their business on the internet for the whole world to see, like I am. haha. ;) My encouragement is to deny yourself the pleasure of fulfilled curiosity- do not ask people or tease about when they are going to have kids. :) You do not know what is going on in this private area of their life as a couple, and they should not be put on the spot to tell you. She could have gotten a negative pregnancy test that day. They could have just experienced a miscarriage. They may be on their third year of trying. It is always best not to go there, unless invited in. You will be appreciated, whether or not you know it. :)

Well that's it folks. Thank you so much for the positive feedback you've given me through this series. It makes me so happy to know that there are people who are trying to be sensitive, and eager to know how they can encourage others. :)

Part 3 - Giving prayer support

We're in another lull phase folks (story of my life, lol). So I want to finish up my series on how you can love and encourage your infertile friends. :) If you are new to the blog, you can catch up on the previous posts here- Intro, Part 1, and Part 2.

Praying is an incredibly important service to your loved ones. I rely so much on the prayers of others. I know that God is the only One who can/will help me, but at times, my heart grows tired of my own repetitious requests of Him. I sometimes feel as though I have run out of words to bring before the Lord. It is so comforting to know that when I do not have the strength to pray, I have loved ones coming to God on my behalf. Of course, prayers for the blessing of a baby are needed, I think that goes without saying. But below are some other topics to keep in mind when praying for your infertile friends (in no particular order). 

Feeling comfort / love from the Lord – I mentioned a while back in this post, how I lost sight of God’s love for me. It surprised me how easily heartache can blinded me spiritually. I felt alone, I felt that God had stopped listening to my cries, I felt that He must be trying to teach me something that I was too stupid to figure out. The  emotions of this whole ordeal really skewed my perspective of who God is, and how He relates to me. But He has proven His love for me! First by sending His Son to die for me (Romans 5:8), and He continues to show His love through faithfulness and provision day in and day out. I know this in my head, but there have been down days when my heart has forgotten. 

Emotional endurance - I don't think I have to say too much about this. Infertility is a roller coaster of emotions. High hope, disappointment, hope, disappointment, over and over and over again. It's draining.


Strength to recognize and conquer sin – This trial has definitely revealed sin in my own heart. Anger, bitterness, jealousy, impatience, self pity, idolatry, and an unloving attitude toward others, just to name a few. :) Unfortunately, this sin pattern is paired with heartache and an increased amount of hormones, which makes it particularly hard to recognize and conquer. But I am responsible for my response to the circumstances that God has put me in. I need Him to give me eyes to see when I am not responding properly, and the strength to seek forgiveness and get back on the right track.

A strong, loving marriage - I thank God that this time has only drawn Ryan and I closer together. My wonderful hubby and I have been partners in this 100%. We've cried together, learned about fertility together, and have even had some good laughs along the way. :) However, infertility can drive couples apart. There are high emotions, added hormones, sex on a schedule, and sometimes disagreements on the appropriate course of action. It can be draining on a marriage, so pray that husband and wife quickly learn how to support, encourage, and serve one another through this difficult time.

Wisdom in making decisions - There are so many decisions to make! What are the risks and side effects of the medications and procedures? What are the moral implications and/or dilemmas of this particular treatment? How will I respond to this dosage of medication? Will it help me at all? Will it help too much? How aggressively should we dive into treatment? How many cycles of treatment can we afford? How far should we take this? At what point do we need to look at our other options? How do I feel about the other options? Is that a biblical way to feel/think about them? It can be a little overwhelming at times. Many of the decisions are based on results of another, and the next step needs to be decided right away. Ryan and I are constantly in need of wisdom to make the decisions that God would have us make, and not be blindsided by our own emotions in the moment. 

As always, I can't thank you all enough for your continued prayers on our behalf. We definitely feel them. :)

Ahhh needles

Well, we're in full swing of treatment. I've decided that rather than rushing to finish my mini-series, I'm going to just put it on hold until we hit our next waiting period in a few weeks. Not ideal because it breaks up the flow of topics, but I would rather do that than get behind on what is happening currently. Hope that's ok with everyone. :)

The latest and greatest is that I have successfully given myself my first couple FSH (Follicle stimulating hormone) injections. woohoo! We actually recorded our first shot at it (buh dum bum. lol), so you can see for yourself if you so desire. :)

My memory card filled up before I was able to tell Ryan how I felt. :) Aside from a little sting because I was injecting too fast at first, it wasn't bad at all. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it went. I haven't felt the full weight of side effects yet, but I'm sure I will this week. Clomid has affected me a little more than last time even though it's a lesser dosage. Kinda weird. I've had several headaches, fatigue, achy ovaries, and of course, the return of my ever faithful companion - Madame Hot Flash. Fun times. :)

I am going to see Dr. Q this week to see how I'm responding, and talk about our next steps. :)

Part 2 - Ways to encourage

Though I have been cut by people's words regarding my infertility, I have had an amazing amount of encouragement through this journey as well. Ryan and I are so blessed by you- our family, church, and friends who have hopped on the bandwagon with us to find Baby Miller. Thank you so much. We feel very loved and supported. Below are some practical things that you have done to uplift my spirit. :) 

"I’m sorry." Simple, but it’s a really refreshing response when everyone else seems to imply that you’re overreacting and need to relax.  A few months back, I was having a particularly bad day at work. There was a baby shower at the office for a coworker, everyone kept telling me to get to it and have a baby already, along with lots of other unwanted advice. I eventually snapped, and had to apologize for my sharp response, so I felt down about that too. One of the ladies was on her way out at the same time as I was that day, and genuinely asked, “So what about you Denay, no babies for you yet?” I simply told her "No, I can’t seem to get pregnant." She looked in my eyes and said with a sympathetic smile, “Honey, I’m so sorry.”  That was all I needed that day. She didn’t pry further with questions, she didn’t offer me advice, she was just a woman who showed that she actually cared that I was hurting. I don’t think she’ll ever know how much that meant to me, but I’ll never forget it.

Let them know you’re thinking of / praying for them. When you have a person on your heart, I think it’s always a good idea to let them know. There’s probably a reason that God put them in your thoughts at that particular moment. Quick text messages, cards, emails are a huge blessing. When you’re thinking about getting pregnant every day, it’s nice to know that someone else is thinking of it too. :) 

Follow up. Once a person shares this struggle with you, it is (usually) not taboo anymore. It’s ok to ask them how an appointment went, how they’re feeling, how they are responding to medication, etc. Infertility is lonely struggle. Showing a simple interest in the details of this journey goes a long way.

Give positive feedback. "You’re going to be great parents one day....I’m so looking forward to seeing who God gives you...I admire ________ as you go through this hardship...You’re an encouragement to me..." You get the idea. It’s easy to be down on yourself when your body's not doing what it’s supposed to be doing. In addition to that frustration, you’re in a constant battle of ugly feelings like bitterness, jealousy, anger, discontentment, and plain ol' sadness. It’s very encouraging to me when people express the positive way they’ve been impacted through our journey of infertility.

Non-verbal Responses – Words can be overrated. Paul knew what he was talking about in Romans 12:15, when he said to "weep with those who weep." There is something incredibly comforting about someone wrapping their arms around you and letting you cry. It’s even more comforting when they cry with you. When I've been at my lowest and most vulnerable emotional point, there is nothing that has helped me more than someone else sitting right next to me with tears in their eyes too.

One of the major ways to support that I left out of this post is prayer. There are so many things to bring before the Lord! In my next post, I will share some specific things to pray for that would silently, but abundantly, bless anyone struggling to get pregnant. :)

Part 1 - Avoid trying to fix or lighten the problem

Before I share the positive things that have personally impacted me, I have to share some of the things that have not been too helpful. I think that most people subconsciously feel the need to give some sort of advice to fix, or at least lessen the weightiness of the problem that their acquaintances or loved ones are going through. It's a natural response. But infertility is a medical issue, and there is unfortunately no such thing as a quick fix for this problem. A great majority of the responses I've received come across as more belittling than helpful. Below are a few examples of "tips" that I've been given. :)

Relax / Just stop thinking about it. 

This is the most common response, hands down. It's also the biggest myth ever. lol. There is no proof that relaxing can somehow make ovaries produce eggs, perfectly time sex, or make a man with low sperm counts suddenly produce more. Saying this insinuates that it is the infertile woman's fault that she can't conceive, because she is simply too uptight. The truth is, we're not stressed out about getting pregnant all the time. There are some key days when anxiety and frustration really hit hard. But when you are working with a doctor and making decisions about your health that will change your life, isn't a little stress natural? Offering the quick solution of relaxing, is belittling and not encouraging.

You should just adopt, and then you'll get pregnant. 

Ryan and I want to adopt. We always have. But that doesn't change the fact that I'd like to see a little someone with Ryan's eyes, laughing and running around my home. I want to feel a baby growing inside my womb. I want to nurse. Call me a psycho, but I even want to experience labor and delivery. lol. Mentioning adoption so casually, can sidestep a person's fear and grief that they might not get to experience these gifts of life. 

This suggestion also makes less of adopted children. It makes them second-string children that will fill the void until you get what you really want, which is a biological child. Especially for those of us who want to adopt, it is hurtful to speak about adoption as though it is just a means to an end.

Another thing to consider is that many can't afford adoption. It can cost anywhere from 5 to 25K, depending on which route you go with. While many couples would love to move on to adoption once they've reached the end of fertility treatments, the hard reality is that many can't afford it. 

You're young and have plenty of time. Just enjoy being with your husband.

Well, I may be young and I may have plenty of childbearing years ahead of me, but I may not have any. People don't usually go into the decision of trying to have a child lightly. Ryan and I went back and forth on the idea for a good month or two before we both felt comfortable moving forward. Much like couples that are 5 or 10 years older than us, once we decided to try, we knew we wanted it more than anything. :)

It'll happen when you least expect it!

So...I should try not to expect getting pregnant, when I'm having unprotected sex for the purpose of getting pregnant? ::confused face:: What does that even mean??? lol. This response is very common, even my OBGYN said it when I told her that I still wasn't pregnant after 9 months. ::head desk::

  

Take prenatal vitamins! Have more sex! Lose weight! Try organic food! Stand on your head and let gravity help the sperm!  The list goes on. :) But as with most other heartaches in life, your loved ones need you to be listeners, not advice-givers. So what things should you say? Glad you asked! That's our next topic to cover. :)