Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Growing in Patience

Ryan and I have been talking recently about patience. Isn’t it a shame that patience is something that you can only learn by not getting what you want? Haha! I just want God to zap me with it, instead of building it slowly, over time – but I suppose that would defeat the purpose wouldn’t it? ;) At church a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine was warming up a bottle for her baby boy. He had about two minutes to wait, and he was just crying like the world was over. I had to smile because I realized in that moment, that God starts teaching us patience from infancy, and continues to build it in us throughout our lives. The waits get longer and harder over time, but He gives just enough to stretch us to the next level of endurance. :) It seems like simple enough concept to grasp, but I think sometimes, in the heat of a trial, it’s easy to forget the basics of what we believe. The trial of not being able to get pregnant has been both emotionally and spiritually challenging for me. I feel like I’m finally able to see some aspects of the struggles in retrospect, instead of being overwhelmed in the thick of it, but it’s taken me a long time and I have not "arrived" just yet. :)
I’m not the type of girl who loves work, and is seeking to build a career for herself. I have only ever wanted to be a full time wife and mom. It is spiritually confusing to know and desire the roles that God has called me to, and yet not be granted the opportunity to fully act on them. I prayed diligently when we first started trying, then I got convicted that maybe I was making an idol of this desire, so I stopped praying about it. Then my heart felt heavy because I was not bringing it before the Lord. So I tried again for a while, and ran out of things to pray, and felt like God wasn’t hearing me anyway, so I stopped praying all together. Then I felt distant from the Lord, and stopped reading my Bible. Before long my perspective of God had changed from loving Father, to a heartless figure who gave me a test that I was incapable of passing. And that was my lowest point- I forgot that God loves me. I forgot that He is teaching me patience, because he loves me and is keeping His promise to sanctify me, and make my heart more beautiful in His sight. I am so thankful that the Lord snapped me out my false perception of Him, and called me back to the reality of His grace. I’m still going to have down days. Actually, now that we're getting help, I think the highs will be higher and the lows will be lower. But I need to keep reminding myself that the Lord is not bullying me, He’s on my side. I’m still His girl, and He will not give me more than I can handle. :)

4 comments:

  1. What an inspiring read! I'm so glad you replied to my post on the bump. I haven't been trying as long as you have, but I can already feel the frustrations of waiting. It's really great that you have such a good relationship with God. I feel it's important to include him in this journey!

    Love your blog already, can't wait to find out what happens :)

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  2. I am encouraged by your comment, "I forgot that He is teaching me patience, because he loves me and is keeping His promise to sanctify me, and make my heart more beautiful in His sight."
    Oh, Lord, help us to remember this in whatever trial we face!

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  3. Ahh patience! so well said my friend! sometimes I look at my own situation and think "why did the lord give me such a wonderful husband that does not have the same desires for children as I do?" but I pray the Lord would change his heart or would provide me an opportunity to mother others...it is a waiting game and I connect with your highs and lows! My belief is that the Lord will provide..and so I wait :) I love this idea by the way..it's soo inspirational...Love you, praying for you and miss you!
    Rachel D.

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  4. I was thinking what a blessing it was that you found the love of your life when you did. God's timing is always perfect. I was older when I got married and we weren't sure at all how things may go. But they have gone exactly according to His plan. I just try to remember I am part of the human race and am not exempt really from anything. God does, has and will continue to help me get through everything and I can confidently say, that in the end my life and I look different than what it may have if I didn't have Him. Praying for you.

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