Wait

I have a monitoring appointment today to see how I responded to Clomid this cycle. I.can't.wait. I've been thinking about it all weekend. ::sigh:: So I will give an update on that soon. In the meantime, I came across this on another TTC blog and had to share. Enjoy! :)

"Wait”

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried:
Quietly, Patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
and the Master so gently said, "wait"

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply
"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!"

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a yes, a go ahead, a sign
or even a no to which I’ll resign
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe we need but to ask and we shall receive
Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God "so I’m waiting.... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and his eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be,
You'd have what you want but you wouldn't know me.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You would not know the joy of resting in me, when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
from an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should you pain quickly flee
what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.

So, be silent, my child and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
and though often my answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Another One Bites The Dust

Well folks, my first medicated cycle didn't work. Dr. Q felt comfortable prescribing Clomid when he did because I hadn't ovulated yet, but I'm not sure how much good it did since it was pretty late in my cycle when I started taking it. For those of you who don't know, ovaries grow follicles, and the dominant follicle releases an egg. My monitoring appointment a couple weeks ago showed that the dominant follicle grew and looked nice and healthy after taking Clomid. But that could just as easily be contributed to normal growth while approaching ovulation, as it could to the Clomid. So it'll be interesting to compare the results at my next monitoring appointment. I'm hoping to see more than one hefty follie this time around. More follicles = more eggs. The tricky thing is that we want more than one to grow so that it ups our odds, but not too many because we can't run the risk of having a crazy amount of multiples. If I have more than four follies...we'd have to skip trying this cycle. Obviously, that's the last thing I want to do, so we're hoping for two or three! That'd be optimal. :)

I'm actually doing pretty well right now. Yes, it's another unsuccessful cycle, and that always kinda sucks. But I'm thankful that we are getting help from a doctor, and that we have steps to take over the next couple weeks to keep me busy. I need to get bloodwork done and have my first monitoring appointment to make sure that I did not develop cysts on my ovaries. Assuming that I'm all clear, I'll fill my prescription and start another round of Clomid. On to cycle 15!

This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Growing in Patience

Ryan and I have been talking recently about patience. Isn’t it a shame that patience is something that you can only learn by not getting what you want? Haha! I just want God to zap me with it, instead of building it slowly, over time – but I suppose that would defeat the purpose wouldn’t it? ;) At church a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine was warming up a bottle for her baby boy. He had about two minutes to wait, and he was just crying like the world was over. I had to smile because I realized in that moment, that God starts teaching us patience from infancy, and continues to build it in us throughout our lives. The waits get longer and harder over time, but He gives just enough to stretch us to the next level of endurance. :) It seems like simple enough concept to grasp, but I think sometimes, in the heat of a trial, it’s easy to forget the basics of what we believe. The trial of not being able to get pregnant has been both emotionally and spiritually challenging for me. I feel like I’m finally able to see some aspects of the struggles in retrospect, instead of being overwhelmed in the thick of it, but it’s taken me a long time and I have not "arrived" just yet. :)

I’m not the type of girl who loves work, and is seeking to build a career for herself. I have only ever wanted to be a full time wife and mom. It is spiritually confusing to know and desire the roles that God has called me to, and yet not be granted the opportunity to fully act on them. I prayed diligently when we first started trying, then I got convicted that maybe I was making an idol of this desire, so I stopped praying about it. Then my heart felt heavy because I was not bringing it before the Lord. So I tried again for a while, and ran out of things to pray, and felt like God wasn’t hearing me anyway, so I stopped praying all together. Then I felt distant from the Lord, and stopped reading my Bible. Before long my perspective of God had changed from loving Father, to a heartless figure who gave me a test that I was incapable of passing. And that was my lowest point- I forgot that God loves me. I forgot that He is teaching me patience, because he loves me and is keeping His promise to sanctify me, and make my heart more beautiful in His sight. I am so thankful that the Lord snapped me out my false perception of Him, and called me back to the reality of His grace. I’m still going to have down days. Actually, now that we're getting help, I think the highs will be higher and the lows will be lower. But I need to keep reminding myself that the Lord is not bullying me, He’s on my side. I’m still His girl, and He will not give me more than I can handle. :)

Plan Of Action!

It’s been a year of trying to get pregnant – now what? Well, we’re actually starting out by taking two simultaneous routes right now, and I trust that over the next few months God will make the right path obvious to us.

Ryan and I have talked about adoption since we were dating. It’s just been on our hearts as something that we’ve always wanted to do, whether or not we were able to have biological children. I admit, I didn’t think that baby #1 would be adopted, but getting pregnant is obviously taking a little longer than we anticipated, so why not? *chuckles to self* Ok, “a little longer than anticipated” is an understatement- I totally thought I was going to be a one-hit-wonder and here I am a year later. ;) haha. Anyway, we brought the subject up about a month ago, and decided to do some preliminary research and get together with some dear family friends of ours to hear about their adoption experience. We were so blessed by our get together last weekend! The more that we talk about adoption, the more excited we are to pursue it. This week we made the first step by contacting a local Christian adoption agency to request more information on their particular process. I just received the preliminary application and supplemental questionnaire this morning, so Ryan and I will go through those and see what happens from there!

While doing that, I will also be going through some fertility testing. We have already done the first round of simple tests with our primary physicians- SA & blood work for Ryan, and ultrasound & blood work for me. Both checked out just fine. The next step is to meet with a reproductive endocrinologist (who will henceforth be referred to as RE). I have my first consultation appointment scheduled for next Wednesday, which I hope is when he will give me a referral for an HSG test. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s essentially ink/dye being shot up into my lady bits to see if there are any abnormalities such as clogged tubes, narrow or tilted “passageways”, etc. The nice thing about this is that if my tubes do happen to be blocked, the pressure of the fluid will (hopefully) clear it out. We’ll see what options lie ahead of us, fertility-wise, after Wednesday. I’ll keep you posted. J

It’s exciting to have a plan. I'm really looking forward to seeing what God will do. :)

"When are you guys going to have kids?"

I had subconscious expectations about what my life would be like once I got married. One of those expectations was that we would have a baby when we were ready. It turns out that many, if not most, people also assume that if a person doesn't have a baby, it's because they don't want one quite yet. This became quite apparent to me as soon after we were married, people started asking us when we were going to have kids. It seemed to be a fairly natural and simple question at first. Something that I was expected to answer with the same non-chalant vibe as answering “What are you making for dinner?” Ryan and I came up with clever ways to avoid that question, especially when we actually did start trying a few short months after we were married. While I'm sure there was no harm intended by the person asking, as time went on, that question became annoying, then insensitive, and then so outright painful that I often found myself turning around with tear filled eyes. 

My sweet husband and I have crossed the milestone of our first year of trying to get pregnant. It has been an emotionally and spiritually challenging journey, let me tell ya. And as we start getting more aggressive in our quest to find the soul that the Lord would entrust to our care, I figured I would start documenting the process. If you have not struggled to get pregnant, chances are that you know someone who is. I hope that this will be an encouragement to those who are currently going through the same heartache we have, as well as to provide some level of awareness to those who have not been exposed to it. Thanks for joining me in the search for Baby Miller. :)