Pre-transfer check in

Monitoring appointment on Friday went fairly well. My ute lining is supposed to be measuring at a minimum of 8, and mine is 10 so we're looking good there. Estrodiol levels are supposed to be at least 400, and mine is low at 231. Dr. Q still thinks it's ok to do the transfer on Friday since the levels will continue to build before then. I was tempted to ask if we can do another round of bloodwork prior to the transfer just to be sure, but I'm over being an anal patient. I'm just going with it. lol

On the emotional / spiritual front, I've struggled the last few weeks with asking God for the success of this final in vitro cycle. I know that He is the giver of life, but do not have faith that He will choose to do so, therefore I have neglected to ask Him. I was reading through Genesis a few days ago and found it interesting that the three fathers of the nation of Israel - Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - all had infertility issues in their marriages. I have read their stories individually before, but I guess I hadn't put them together until just this last week. In Genesis 18, Sarah is told that she is going to have a son, despite being an old infertile woman. Sarah laughs. Judging by God's response, it doesn't seem to be a giddy, excited giggle, but the kind of laugh that says "that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." He shuts her up pretty quick in verse 14 by saying, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?". ::queue conviction:: I need to pray for this embryo, with faith that God is able to give me the desire of my heart. His answer may be "not yet", and that will be hard, but I need to be dependent on Him through the heartache, instead of trying to avoid the heartache by pretending that He's not there. Because really, that's just a godless attitude to have. 

Ryan and I have decided to dedicate tomorrow to prayer. You're welcome to join us if you'd like; the more the merrier! :)

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thess 5:16-18

I Will Carry You

I started following a blog the other day that mentioned a song that seemed interesting. In my search to hear it on YouTube, I ended up coming across the story behind it as well. Good grief. What a testimony of God's strength being perfected in the weaknesses of His children. It moved me to tears. The first video is the couple's story, and the second is the actual song. I trust it will encourage your heart as much as it did mine. <3

Post IVF feelings (part 2)

So I realized that in my haste to let everyone know I'm doing fine, I actually ended up sharing only the downer parts. haha. Sorry guys. There was an up side to my thought process, I promise! lol.

I was just thinking about how easy it is to wonder why God allows us to go through difficult things in life. We're so quick to question His motives, accuse Him of being unfair, pull away from Him for not giving us what we feel we deserve. But the truth is, my God is so much greater than the circumstances I'm in. His perspective is so much bigger and grander than what I can see. I don't have to understand all the details, and He doesn't owe me an explanation of how it is all going to end. I just need to take His hand and let Him lead me one step at a time. I wholeheartedly believe that battling infertility is the best thing for Ryan and I right now, and it is somehow giving God the most glory that it possibly could. When I think about it that way...it's all so worth it. How gracious and loving of my Father to include my good in His purpose! I mean, really, He didn't have to. And even if it was only for His glory alone, my heartache is such a small price to pay for the privilege of making my Savior look beautiful.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him

How I've proved Him o're and o're.

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust Him more

Another bump in the road

When we talked to Dr. Q a few weeks ago, he gave us a rough estimate for the cost of a Mini IVF which we thought was totally doable. However, after going over finances with the office manager this week, it turns out that the estimate did not include the cost of meds. I got a quote from the pharmacy yesterday which confirmed that my insurance is not covering anything, and my cost for meds alone is over $2,000. That brings our total IVF cost to over $7,000, which we simply can't pay right now. We're going to need at least another month to save before we can move forward. ::head desk::

I was pretty frustrated yesterday, I’m not gonna lie. As ridiculous as it might be, I had secretly hoped that maybe God would surprise us this month with a natural pregnancy. But I started my period just prior to the call from the pharmacy, so there went that idea. Earlier this week, I thought that my period would mean the start of the IVF procedures. Instead it ended up being an annoying reminder that we can’t get pregnant on our own, and as a result, it is going to cost us seven grand. And it’s not even guaranteed to work! For crying out loud, why can’t we just conceive for free like a normal couple??? ::sigh::


Oddly enough, Ryan and I happened to have a Bible study planned with another couple from church last night. I wasn't exactly in the mood for being social, but I decided to pull myself together and get through our lesson. And whatdoyouknow, our passage was Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and pettition, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Great. Just when I feel like being mad, I have to go read that verse. hahaha. ;) It was just what I needed to hear. I have a lot to be thankful for. The God who has provided abundant blessings for me, is the same God who is in control of our struggle right now. And He wants me to talk to Him about this. He wants me to ask Him for a baby. My infertility is not too small a problem for Him to listen to, and it is not too big for Him to fix. My job is just to lay it at His feet continually, and trust in Him to do the rest in His timing, not mine.

If You Want Me To

I added another negative test to my collection yesterday. It was a couple days early, so it's not a sure thing quite yet, but I'm not counting on a different result when I test again. Ryan and I have decided to take a break in October if this IUI is in fact unsuccessful. We need time to process, pray, and seek counsel on what to do next. We're not convinced that we want to give it a third shot, like we originally thought we would. It is possible that the third time would be the charm, but at the same time, if it's failed twice before, what are the chances that a third time would actually result in a pregnancy? I want our decision to be logical, not just emotional. And I want to be open to what God would have us do. I've been feeling tugs at my heart toward adoption and I'm wondering if God is leading us in that direction now. It's going to be hard to transition my emotions and efforts from trying to get pregnant, with all the meds and treatments, to adoption, with all of it's paperwork and more waiting. On one hand, I feel like I'm giving up. On the other hand, with all the prayers going into this endeavor, and all the best case scenarios I've had trying to get pregnant, if it doesn't happen I am confident that He has another plan for us. And I will be excited to seek out the blessing He is preparing for us in someone else's womb.

This is not easy. This is really hard. This is not the way I anticipated things going for Ryan and I. But you know, of all the trials that God could have put in my life to bring me closer to Him, I know that this one is accomplishing it's purpose. I am fully confident that this is bringing Him glory, and that makes the hurt well worth it. I came across this song today by Ginny Owens. It pretty much sums it up for me right now. Enjoy -

P.S. In case you're wondering, yes, I will post again once I get the results of my final test. 

Part 3 - Giving prayer support

We're in another lull phase folks (story of my life, lol). So I want to finish up my series on how you can love and encourage your infertile friends. :) If you are new to the blog, you can catch up on the previous posts here- Intro, Part 1, and Part 2.

Praying is an incredibly important service to your loved ones. I rely so much on the prayers of others. I know that God is the only One who can/will help me, but at times, my heart grows tired of my own repetitious requests of Him. I sometimes feel as though I have run out of words to bring before the Lord. It is so comforting to know that when I do not have the strength to pray, I have loved ones coming to God on my behalf. Of course, prayers for the blessing of a baby are needed, I think that goes without saying. But below are some other topics to keep in mind when praying for your infertile friends (in no particular order). 

Feeling comfort / love from the Lord – I mentioned a while back in this post, how I lost sight of God’s love for me. It surprised me how easily heartache can blinded me spiritually. I felt alone, I felt that God had stopped listening to my cries, I felt that He must be trying to teach me something that I was too stupid to figure out. The  emotions of this whole ordeal really skewed my perspective of who God is, and how He relates to me. But He has proven His love for me! First by sending His Son to die for me (Romans 5:8), and He continues to show His love through faithfulness and provision day in and day out. I know this in my head, but there have been down days when my heart has forgotten. 

Emotional endurance - I don't think I have to say too much about this. Infertility is a roller coaster of emotions. High hope, disappointment, hope, disappointment, over and over and over again. It's draining.


Strength to recognize and conquer sin – This trial has definitely revealed sin in my own heart. Anger, bitterness, jealousy, impatience, self pity, idolatry, and an unloving attitude toward others, just to name a few. :) Unfortunately, this sin pattern is paired with heartache and an increased amount of hormones, which makes it particularly hard to recognize and conquer. But I am responsible for my response to the circumstances that God has put me in. I need Him to give me eyes to see when I am not responding properly, and the strength to seek forgiveness and get back on the right track.

A strong, loving marriage - I thank God that this time has only drawn Ryan and I closer together. My wonderful hubby and I have been partners in this 100%. We've cried together, learned about fertility together, and have even had some good laughs along the way. :) However, infertility can drive couples apart. There are high emotions, added hormones, sex on a schedule, and sometimes disagreements on the appropriate course of action. It can be draining on a marriage, so pray that husband and wife quickly learn how to support, encourage, and serve one another through this difficult time.

Wisdom in making decisions - There are so many decisions to make! What are the risks and side effects of the medications and procedures? What are the moral implications and/or dilemmas of this particular treatment? How will I respond to this dosage of medication? Will it help me at all? Will it help too much? How aggressively should we dive into treatment? How many cycles of treatment can we afford? How far should we take this? At what point do we need to look at our other options? How do I feel about the other options? Is that a biblical way to feel/think about them? It can be a little overwhelming at times. Many of the decisions are based on results of another, and the next step needs to be decided right away. Ryan and I are constantly in need of wisdom to make the decisions that God would have us make, and not be blindsided by our own emotions in the moment. 

As always, I can't thank you all enough for your continued prayers on our behalf. We definitely feel them. :)

Peace in seemingly cruel coincidences

Our next step is IUI (intrauteral insemination). I'm going to be on another 150mg of clomid and hope that we get two follies again. Dr. Q will trigger me to ovulate and put Ryan’s swimmers directly in my uterus with my egg(s) and we'll see if anything takes. There is a little more monitoring involved in this procedure, which needs to be done on specific cycle days. Unfortunately, we're going to be out of town on days that I would need to see my doctor. So I’m on the bench this month; I can't get treatment. We'll have to wait till August to move forward. 

I actually ended up being late. Two days late to be exact, and with the most beautiful chart I've ever had. As you can see in my average curve (in blue), my temps consistently drop, which mean that pregnancy did not occur. But this time they stayed high, and gave me hope that maybe the clomid worked, even after I got the first negative test. I figured I would test again this morning if my temp remained high. Alas, this morning's temp was a nosedive, and I started my period. Not only am I not pregnant, but I am also two days too late to do the IUI in July. 

I thought that I would be pretty discouraged about all this, but God has given me a peace in my heart about how everything worked out (thank you for your prayers!!). Why did God choose to lengthen this cycle, of all cycles? Furthermore, why lengthen it just enough for me to miss my small window of opportunity to move forward next month? I don't know. But it is just too specific for me to doubt that He has a better plan. Maybe He wants to display His power by letting us get pregnant next month without medical help, maybe my body needs a little break for the IUI to work in August, or maybe this is buying time for just the right adopted blessing to come to us. I don't know. But  I'm ok with that right now. God is good. I trust that one day I'll be able to look back and be so thankful that He used one specific sperm and one specific egg, in one specific cycle, in one specific way, to make one specific baby for us. When I look into that child's eyes, I don't think I'll care how long it took for him or her to be mine. :']

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord..." (Psalm 27:13)

Grace as it's needed

I've been reading Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges. It's about God's grace, not only to save, but to sanctify us throughout our lives, in good times and in hard times. I like the way he words our daily dependence on the Lord, and the need to be content in the circumstances that He has placed us in- 

God always gives us what we need, perhaps sometimes more, but never less. The spiritual equivalent to food and clothing (1 Timothy 6:8) is simply the strength to endure in a way that honors God. Receiving that strength, we are to be content. We would like the "luxury" of having our particular thorn removed (2 Corinthians 12:8-10), but God often says, "Be content with the strength to endure that thorn." We can be confident that he always gives that. 

Be content with the strength to endure. wow. Mr. Bridges makes an illustration of God's distribution of grace by going to Exodus 16:16-21 and noting how God provided food for the Israelites in the wilderness. Every day the people were to gather as much as they needed for that day, and not to save a supply for later. I need to look to Him for strength daily - physical, emotional, and spiritual. I can't store up grace for next month or next year. He provides day by day, and sometimes even hour by hour. But His grace is sufficient, and I have the opportunity to give Him praise by simply resting in it. :)

Wait

I have a monitoring appointment today to see how I responded to Clomid this cycle. I.can't.wait. I've been thinking about it all weekend. ::sigh:: So I will give an update on that soon. In the meantime, I came across this on another TTC blog and had to share. Enjoy! :)

"Wait”

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried:
Quietly, Patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
and the Master so gently said, "wait"

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply
"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!"

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a yes, a go ahead, a sign
or even a no to which I’ll resign
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe we need but to ask and we shall receive
Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God "so I’m waiting.... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and his eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be,
You'd have what you want but you wouldn't know me.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You would not know the joy of resting in me, when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
from an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should you pain quickly flee
what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.

So, be silent, my child and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
and though often my answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Growing in Patience

Ryan and I have been talking recently about patience. Isn’t it a shame that patience is something that you can only learn by not getting what you want? Haha! I just want God to zap me with it, instead of building it slowly, over time – but I suppose that would defeat the purpose wouldn’t it? ;) At church a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine was warming up a bottle for her baby boy. He had about two minutes to wait, and he was just crying like the world was over. I had to smile because I realized in that moment, that God starts teaching us patience from infancy, and continues to build it in us throughout our lives. The waits get longer and harder over time, but He gives just enough to stretch us to the next level of endurance. :) It seems like simple enough concept to grasp, but I think sometimes, in the heat of a trial, it’s easy to forget the basics of what we believe. The trial of not being able to get pregnant has been both emotionally and spiritually challenging for me. I feel like I’m finally able to see some aspects of the struggles in retrospect, instead of being overwhelmed in the thick of it, but it’s taken me a long time and I have not "arrived" just yet. :)

I’m not the type of girl who loves work, and is seeking to build a career for herself. I have only ever wanted to be a full time wife and mom. It is spiritually confusing to know and desire the roles that God has called me to, and yet not be granted the opportunity to fully act on them. I prayed diligently when we first started trying, then I got convicted that maybe I was making an idol of this desire, so I stopped praying about it. Then my heart felt heavy because I was not bringing it before the Lord. So I tried again for a while, and ran out of things to pray, and felt like God wasn’t hearing me anyway, so I stopped praying all together. Then I felt distant from the Lord, and stopped reading my Bible. Before long my perspective of God had changed from loving Father, to a heartless figure who gave me a test that I was incapable of passing. And that was my lowest point- I forgot that God loves me. I forgot that He is teaching me patience, because he loves me and is keeping His promise to sanctify me, and make my heart more beautiful in His sight. I am so thankful that the Lord snapped me out my false perception of Him, and called me back to the reality of His grace. I’m still going to have down days. Actually, now that we're getting help, I think the highs will be higher and the lows will be lower. But I need to keep reminding myself that the Lord is not bullying me, He’s on my side. I’m still His girl, and He will not give me more than I can handle. :)