Tuesday, September 20, 2011

If You Want Me To

I added another negative test to my collection yesterday. It was a couple days early, so it's not a sure thing quite yet, but I'm not counting on a different result when I test again. Ryan and I have decided to take a break in October if this IUI is in fact unsuccessful. We need time to process, pray, and seek counsel on what to do next. We're not convinced that we want to give it a third shot, like we originally thought we would. It is possible that the third time would be the charm, but at the same time, if it's failed twice before, what are the chances that a third time would actually result in a pregnancy? I want our decision to be logical, not just emotional. And I want to be open to what God would have us do. I've been feeling tugs at my heart toward adoption and I'm wondering if God is leading us in that direction now. It's going to be hard to transition my emotions and efforts from trying to get pregnant, with all the meds and treatments, to adoption, with all of it's paperwork and more waiting. On one hand, I feel like I'm giving up. On the other hand, with all the prayers going into this endeavor, and all the best case scenarios I've had trying to get pregnant, if it doesn't happen I am confident that He has another plan for us. And I will be excited to seek out the blessing He is preparing for us in someone else's womb.

This is not easy. This is really hard. This is not the way I anticipated things going for Ryan and I. But you know, of all the trials that God could have put in my life to bring me closer to Him, I know that this one is accomplishing it's purpose. I am fully confident that this is bringing Him glory, and that makes the hurt well worth it. I came across this song today by Ginny Owens. It pretty much sums it up for me right now. Enjoy -

P.S. In case you're wondering, yes, I will post again once I get the results of my final test. 


  1. *hug* I totally am with you on not knowing what to do, especially when you consider the costs (financial, emotional, physical...). I'll be praying for you guys, that God would give you guidance and peace with whatever decisions you will have to make in the future.

  2. I love your perspective about this bringing glory to God. I think a lot of women get so focused on themselves while going through infertility (how can you not?) that they lose sight of the big picture and what He is doing. I'll be praying for wisdom and discernment as you guys decide what your next steps are!

  3. I've been thinking about you doll ((hugs))

  4. He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

    We love you guys and continue praying for God's plan to be revealed in due time. We look forward to that moment.
    “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5

    Our Wonderful Creator, Merciful God already has everything all worked out on your behalf. You get the privelege of watching Him unfold His plan.

    Love and hugs...Auntie

  5. I know this trial has been extremely difficult for you both, but your desire to honor Christ and trust Him no matter what has been such an incredible example to all of us who love you dearly.
    Praying for God to give you peace and direction in the days ahead.
    Love you,

  6. Denay, I know this whole process has been hard for you both, but you are such an inspiration to me and many others. You and Ryan are truly modeling your trust in God by submitting to Him even when you want something so bad. I know God has wonderful things in store for you both, and I will continue to pray for His blessings for you and that he fulfills you and ryan's heart more than you ever thought possible.

  7. I'm sorry babe :( this sucks, hang in there, I'm praying for you <3

    your link make me think of another beautiful song, by the Gettys, "Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer". Doesn't look like I can post the link here, but it's