Dear Baby

Dear Baby, 

Today was going to be our due date. A lot has changed since we lost you. Your daddy and I decided to stop seeing Dr. Q, and to try to find a baby who is growing in someone else's tummy. Looks like we found her! Her name is Elliana and she is supposed to make her arrival in a few months. We are so excited! But don't worry, we have not forgotten you. You are still the only one to have ever occupied my ute and that makes you very special. :) I've been thinking about what things would have been like if God would have allowed you to come home with us. I had a good cry last night because I remembered how heartbroken we were when you left. But you know what? Our heavenly Father has such a big plan for all of us! You were part of it, and this new baby is part of it too. You were, and she is, just what we need at just the right time. Isn't it wonderful that we have such a loving God to trust when things get confusing?

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today. I will never stop loving you sweetheart. 

Cuddles and kisses, 

Mommy

In limbo

Well, I suppose it's time for an update huh? It's been just over two weeks since the miscarriage and while I have definitely had my emotional moments, for the most part every day is getting a little easier. I know that I'm still grieving, and that I need a little bit of time to process and get a grip. I think the main hurdle I'm stuck on right now is the fact that I'm kind of stuck in limbo. I'm so accustomed to quickly moving on to the next plan after a failed cycle. It's become a coping method for me. I'm eager to move on and do something, even though I know I'm not ready yet. It's frustrating.

At the start of the last treatment cycle, Ryan and I had figured that either the transfer would fail and we would move on to adoption OR it would work and we would have a baby in nine months. Surprise surprise - neither of those possibilities happened! So now we are reevaluating the next steps toward parenthood. Here are our thoughts on the two options that we have on the table right now.

IVF again - A big part of me absolutely dreads getting back on meds, doing a full egg retrieval again, and the emotional toll of treatment. But the truth is, in vitro worked for us. I got pregnant. So, really, what's another few months of this? I would really love to experience pregnancy, and another round of IVF would give us a shot at that opportunity. We would want to talk to Dr. Q about what his plan would be this time around of course. I know that there are no guarantees, but I would want to see what preventative measures Dr. Q wants to take so that we do our part in avoiding another miscarriage.

Adoption - I am tired of poking myself and, I'm tired of the continued disappointments of treatment. We've always wanted to adopt, even before we had trouble getting pregnant. I know that it's not an easy road, and it is a completely new world for us, but at the end of it, God willing we'll have a child. Infertility treatments only give us a chance at getting pregnant. Adoption seems like a more sure method of becoming parents. And who knows, since we're diagnosed as Unexplained Infertility, maybe pregnancy will just happen one day for us. If not, we can always pursue IVF again when we're ready for number baby number two or three.

Both of these options have totally valid arguments. I flip flop between both on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. lol. We don't know what we're going to do. But I trust that the Lord will make His will obvious to us as we seek Him, and He will give us the strength to get through the hardships and frustrations that will come with each.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. 

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide. 

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Ok

First of all, I just want to thank every single person who has emailed, commented, left messages, and/or texted. I have not responded to everyone individually, but please know that each note was very much appreciated. <3

Thursday morning I realized that my progesterone suppositories were pretty much pointless because of the yet increased bloodflow I was experiencing. Dr. Q wanted to put me on injectable progesterone instead, but before I started stabbing my butt, I asked if we could do another ultrasound just to make sure that the baby was still fine. When Dr. Q walked into the room, he immediately looked concerned that I was still bleeding heavily. The ultrasound wand went in, and there was nothing on the screen. Nothing. He whispered "shoot" and got a glossy look in his eyes. 

Ryan and I got home and, after lots of sobbing, quickly decided that we really didn't want to stay home. We hopped on Travelocity for maybe ten minutes, booked a hotel stay in San Diego, and hit the road. Seriously, our time away could not have been better. The hotel, actually ended up being a beautiful resort right on the bay in Coronado. We grieved, we relaxed, we caught our breath, and genuinely had a great time. This has been the most awful experience ever, but I think the worst of it is over. God has blessed me with  a wonderful husband, and we're going to be ok. :]

Confirmed miscarriage

Dear Baby,

You will always be in our hearts even though we never got the chance to hold you in our arms. So many people rejoiced with us when they heard that you were the little trooper that stuck. You are so loved! It breaks my heart that we could only stand by helplessly as you left the safety of my womb. But we trust that God is good and faithful, and we are still going to praise and trust His plan for our family. He is going to do great things in your daddy and I as we get through the grief of losing you. 

Cuddles and kisses, 

Mommy </3

The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.