My last post was in OCTOBER. What the...??! Remember when I would write like once a week? That was fun. lol. I'm in a constant state of crazy at this stage in our young family and unfortunately writing hasn't been at the top of my priority list. But I do like reflecting around Mother's Day. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to randomly pop in and pretend like it hasn't been forever since my last post. lol
Motherhood is challenging and stressful at times, but after the years of longing and fighting for it over and over again, it truly is a gift that I don't take for granted. I drink in Elias' kisses, his crazy nap hair, his constant gibberish, how he seriously says "Mommy" multiple times every minute. I love Nolan's sweet smile, hearing his man size burps, and seeing his face light up whenever Elias is around. My house is chaos, there are dirty hand prints on my walls, I'm up to my ears in laundry, and I'm tired pretty much all the time. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have two beautiful, happy, healthy sons. I could not be more thankful that they are the ones that God entrusted to Ryan and I to raise. But there are 10 other babies in my heart that never made it to my arms. I get sad when I remember our embryos from IVF who didn't stick, the miscarriages, and the failed adoption. Overall, I still have many mixed emotions on Mother's Day and I wonder if that will ever change. I kinda hope not. I think it's healthy to remember some level of pain so that I can empathize with other women who are hurting around me. That's real life, you know? Not everyone is 100% happy on Mother's Day.
So I said this last year, and I'm going to say it again. If you are in the trenches of infertility, remembering past miscarriage(s), mourning for children that you've lost, struggling over broken family relationships, grieving the loss of your own mother, if you find yourself hurting in any way on Sunday, just know that you're in my heart. Whether it is a seasonal trial or years of heartache that doesn't have an end in sight, you don't need to feel guilty for being sad. I guarantee that there are other women out there who feel the way you do, and it's ok to cry if you need to. <3