Pressing Pause

It's been a month and a half since we discovered our miscarriage. I've had a few emotional melt downs since then, and I'm sure they will continue to spring up on me here and there as time goes on. But it's gotten better. It has been pretty liberating to press pause on this pursuit of a baby and turn our attention to other things in life. Ryan and I have tried one thing after another for almost four years now and this last loss pushed us over the edge. We're exhausted in every way - emotionally, physically, spiritually....we really just need a break. 

We have one embryo left, and I am absolutely dreading that final transfer. I've transferred nine babies into my uterus over the last few years, seven didn't stick and two ended in miscarriage. The idea of getting pregnant, staying pregnant long enough to hear a heartbeat, having a safe delivery, and bringing home a healthy child seems like such a lofty and impossible dream. I really want a baby, but I don't want to try to get pregnant anymore. It hurts too much. I have hit the point where the fear of another loss is greater than the hope and excitement of a possible success. I know that God is mighty and able to start and sustain life in this dead uterus of mine. But I've also accepted that may not be His plan for me. We've tried everything. I'm not giving up on our desire to be parents, but I'm ready to close this chapter of the journey. I'm ready to be done with injections, transfers, and pregnancy tests. But we're committed to this last little life, so we're going to wait until we can transfer it without these pessimistic emotions.  I need to be able to hope and pray for it and I simply don't have the strength to do that right now. Maybe in the fall...we'll see. 

In the meantime, we're embracing the married-without-kids life. We work on our business at home together, we're both trying to lose weight and get healthy, and we've got a couple sweet vacations lined up this year. I'm sad that we've gotten to this point, but we are both enjoying our decision to relax for a little while and regroup. The Lord has blessed us with an incredible marriage, and we're going to focus on some fun Ryan and Denay adventures for a while. <3

Family Yearbook! (Review & Promo Code)

I have been so excited to write this post! :) I have used Mixbook to create both of our adoption profile books. You can check out our domestic infant adoption book here, and/or our embryo adoption book here if you'd like. Anyway, they contacted me to see if I would do a review on my experience with Mixbook in exchange for a 40% promo code that I could provide to my readers. Um...of course! I used the opportunity to work on a project that I wanted to do anyway - our first family yearbook! I'm so happy with how it came out! You can take a look at it here. :) I wouldn't give a good review if I didn't think a product or company warranted it. But I actually really love Mixbook, so this was easy peasy. :)

If you'd like to make your own Mixbook, you can use the promo code OUTMIXER at checkout to get 40% off your order. The code applies to all books, cards, and calendars. For lay-flat books, the code gives you 30% off. :)

His Grace is Enough

I started bleeding over the weekend, and as expected, the emotions hit hard right alongside it. Sunday and Monday were pretty rough. Through all the low points in our journey, I have not questioned God's control. I know that His plan is perfect, and His timing is better than mine. I joyfully rest in that reality. But Sunday I had a hard time accepting the method He chose to accomplish
His purpose in me. I was so hurt with Him. "Lord, why did You give me a pregnancy at all, if You weren't going to let me keep it? If it wasn't our time, why did You give me three weeks hoping that it was? Why was I experiencing symptoms when there wasn't a baby there anymore? Doesn't this whole thing seem unnecessarily cruel???" This is what my soul has been wrestling with.

If for no other positive result, this much pain reminds me that I need to run to the Lord. Even if I'm crying to Him in agony, pouring out my discouragement, and asking "Why?", it helps to talk to HIM. Not just to my family, or Ryan, but to actually talk to the One who has brought me here. Because He does love me. "As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His unfailing love towards those who fear Him." (Ps. 103:11) He is good. He made me His child. He gave Himself to redeem my soul. My life is His and He is using it as He sees best. His ways are higher than my ways. And I don't need to know why. I need to trust Him. I need to come to Him and be comforted with the peace that only He can give me. There are moments that I feel so overwhelmed, but I find comfort in knowing that God will provide the endurance needed to not only get through this, but to praise Him in the midst of it. <3

Feelings on Miscarriage #2

Hello friends. Below is a video update on how we're doing. Thank you for your constant care and concern for us!

P.S. Sorry the sound is so fuzzy. I really need to get a mic for filming videos...

Another Loss

We just got back home from Dr. Q's office. There was nothing to see on our ultrasound. No heartbeat. No baby. We're not sure when the baby stopped growing, but the medication I've been on has kept me from bleeding. It also made my body think that it was still pregnant, which is why I've been experiencing symptoms. We're in a bit of shock. Please continue to pray for us as we process this loss.

So Far, So Good!

Hi there! I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas! :) We had such a lovely time celebrating Christmas with family, and then celebrating four years of wedded bliss on Thursday. :) One huge perk about running our own business is the flexible work schedule during the holidays. Aside from a few emails and client monitoring here and there, Ryan pretty much took the whole week off which was so nice. :) 

On the baby front, things are still going great! I have had a couple moments of nausea, which thrills me. lol. I know that sounds funny, but it's just nice to get the reassurance that my body is working hard and the baby is still growing. :) I haven't been struck with full-on morning sickness yet, but I know it hits a lot of women around week 7, which is only a few days away. I guess we'll see. :) I've officially moved up to my fat jeans, thanks to the baby bloat. :) And especially the last few days, I've had increasing waves of sleepiness. I'll be fine and then all of a sudden I need a nap, really bad. haha.

But yeah, that's pretty much it. So far so good, praise God. :) Our ultrasound is tomorrow and I'm so looking forward to it!

5 Weeks

We hit the 5 week mark today and I'm barely getting used to the idea that I'm pregnant. :) After experiencing a loss, on top of all of the other crushed hopes we've had over the last few years...it's just hard to fully dive in and accept this as the real deal. Is it really possible that something actually worked for us??? lol. I think I will feel this way until we see the heartbeat(s) or I find myself hugging a toilet and puking my guts out - whichever comes first! ;) It's still too early for significant symptoms, so for right now, I'm feeling pretty normal. Just a little more tired than usual. :)

I'm still doing daily injections and while I am so thankful to have a reason to do them, my butt is getting tired of it. lol. It's a small price to pay for the blessing of a pregnancy, but I will be glad when I don't have to do them any more, you know? I believe that the plan is to check my hormone levels when we do the ultrasound on the 30th. If everything looks good, Dr. Q will switch me off injectables and on to suppositories. So that's another reason to look forward to ultrasound day! :) 12 days to go and it can't get here soon enough!