Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The last straw

I don't think I've actually verbalized it on the blog yet, but this in vitro cycle is our last attempt to get pregnant with fertility treatment. Our stock of frozen eggs has been depleted, we have one embryo left, and we have decided that we're not going to go through the ovary stimulation process and retrieval for another three or four rounds of this. We're mentally, emotionally, and physically done. I still have hope that one day in the coming years it will "just happen". We are diagnosed as unexplained, and there's obviously no reason to ever get on birth control, so who knows. But if this doesn't work, we're going to transition our hearts and efforts toward adoption.

On one hand, I'm somewhat relieved that no matter how this cycle ends, I'm done with treatment. No more injections, no more doctor appointments, no more negative pregnancy tests, no more planning my life around fertilization or transfer days, etc. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading the thought of a final unsuccessful treatment cycle. We want to adopt, and I know that we'll be absolutely thrilled once we start diving into the process. But we have been trying to get pregnant for 23 months...how in the world am I going to be able to just let go and move on? ::sigh:: I suppose we'll deal with that when we get there. But in the meantime, I have no idea what my emotions are supposed to be doing. There's an ongoing battle in my head that goes something like - Pray hard for the transfer to work! Don't get your hopes up! Have faith that God is the great creator and giver of life! Have faith that His plan is better than yours! It's ok to start looking into adoption and even get excited about it! Don't get ahead of yourself, you still have an embryo!

::blank stare::

::head meets desk::

lol

7 comments:

  1. My dear friends..I have been following your blog and steady in prayer with u through these last 23 months...honestly I feel some of those same emotions with you. I know that the Lord has provided you with an amazing partner here in this world to bear the emotions with and I am praising him for that today....and....one day soon that partner is going to be sharing in the joy of parenthood with you...you are a faithful child of Christ and the Lord is a faithful giver. Let us continue to praise him for that! Love and hugs from MN...xoxoxo

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  2. I love you both very much...six little words that come from my heart and express all the many things I want to say right now. Love, Ana

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  3. We are praying and holding you up to the Lord with our hearts right there with you! We love you guys <3

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  4. I totally feel you!

    My husband and I will be entering our 6th IUI cycle soon. And it will be our last with the RE. My doctor, my husband, and myself all agree that IVF is not a good option for me. So this is it for us. I feel all those things you mentioned! The mixture of relief and despair is crazy.

    I hope that this last time is YOUR time. If not though, I will enjoy following you on the adoption journey.

    *Hugs*

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  5. It seems surreal to have to switch focus like that when you have been doing everything for your body to get pregnant for nearly 23 months... but all that amazing energy you have been throwing into trying to conceive will now be throw into the adoption process. I know you 2 will be remarkable at it, educating so many and bringing God the glory in getting your little one in the way He designed for your family.
    Your prayers sound like ours for you and Ryan. I do hope the Lord's will is this "last straw" embryo was the baby He designed for you, and if not, you will be overwhelmed by His peace to have your baby through adoption.
    You ARE going to be a Mommy, and we pray SOON!

    Come on embie, split baby split and give the Millers twins!!!!
    Love ya!
    Cid

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  6. Thank you all so much! Ryan and I are so blessed to have people on their knees with us. <3

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  7. I just started following your blog and story. I wish you nothing but the best in this cycle! Hoping and praying in Alabama. =)

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