I have very mixed emotions about Mother's Day this year. It's always been hard for me. I think it has made me extra emotional in the past because it is right around the time we started trying to get pregnant. So not only was it a reminder that I was not a mom, but it was a reminder immediately following another "anniversary" of a failed year. C'est la vie. But the timing of things is not exactly a consequence that you think through when you start trying to get pregnant. ;)
Prior to this adoption, I had plans to ditch church on Mother's Day this year. People have the best intentions at heart, and I appreciated the thought behind wanting to make me feel included...but in truth most just don't know what to say to someone who has experienced infertility and/or loss. In all fairness, I'm not sure what I've wanted or needed to hear, I just know it hasn't been said. lol. Last year after rushing to the car to cry after church, I decided that I don't need to put myself in that position anymore. I planned to stay home this Sunday. But in God's perfect timing, I am writing this post on my bed, next to the cutest pair of little legs I've ever seen. Elias has his arms thrown up over his head and is snoring, cause he's a loud sleeper like that. :) After almost exactly four years of trying to add to our family, in every which way, he's here. I'm a mom. Just in time for Mother's Day.
Much to my surprise, sheer happiness is not the only emotion that I have when I think about Sunday. I am thinking about how I felt last year. I'm thinking about how just a few short months ago, we miscarried and felt such defeat and anguish over the constant string of losses we've experienced. I'm thinking about the women who are going to spend Sunday in tears because infertility, pregnancy loss, or the death of a child has left their arms empty. My heart aches for them whether I know them personally or not. I'm thinking about Elias' birthmom, and wondering how she and all the other birthmoms in the world might be feeling. I'm thinking and feeling all these sad things. But mostly I'm feeling overwhelmed with gratefulness. I can't even put into words how thankful I am that God faithfully led us through a long, dark season, and it's suddenly over. He gave us the most incredible blessing in this baby boy and my cup runneth over. <3
I know that feeling of not being able to have children for one reason or another.
ReplyDeleteMy reason was because I needed to have a partial hysterectomy when I was younger.
I remember one particular mothers day when we all gathered for mothers day at my moms house and my brother, sister and their families were giving my mom gifts.
I left the living room to be by myself became I was feeling a little overwhelmed.
My nephew who was about 3 years old at the time (he's 14 now)
Came up to me opened his arms and gave me the biggest hug he could and said " OH AUNTIE LULU"
It felt like God was telling me that everything was going to be okay
I am so happy for you and Ryan.
I love how things turn out in God's time.
Happy mother's day Denay Miller and thank you for letting me share.
Beautifully written! Four years ago we started trying and every Mother's day just got harder and harder! I couldn't even attend church last year so I stayed home and planned on doing the same this year because I had given up after all we have gone through with trying to get pregnant. God has blessed us with a miracle inside me and I no longer dread Mother's day! This is the first year in 4 years that I can actually go to church with a smile! Wishing you the happiest Mother's day!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kristina. Beautifully written and can completely agree! We dealt with five years of infertility before having our daughter through IVF and after I finally experienced my first mothers day as a mom there were a lot of mixed emotions. There still is as I think the majority of us that have went or going through infertility think of the women that have lost their babies or grieving for the baby that they long for but do not have. Happy Mothers day to you. So happy that this mothers day you have your baby son in your arms!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a day of conflicting emotions. Happy (belated) Mother's Day!
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to those emotions. I'm so happy you have your boy this year on Mother's Day! A long awaited gift :-)
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