Sunday, April 29, 2012

In limbo

Well, I suppose it's time for an update huh? It's been just over two weeks since the miscarriage and while I have definitely had my emotional moments, for the most part every day is getting a little easier. I know that I'm still grieving, and that I need a little bit of time to process and get a grip. I think the main hurdle I'm stuck on right now is the fact that I'm kind of stuck in limbo. I'm so accustomed to quickly moving on to the next plan after a failed cycle. It's become a coping method for me. I'm eager to move on and do something, even though I know I'm not ready yet. It's frustrating.

At the start of the last treatment cycle, Ryan and I had figured that either the transfer would fail and we would move on to adoption OR it would work and we would have a baby in nine months. Surprise surprise - neither of those possibilities happened! So now we are reevaluating the next steps toward parenthood. Here are our thoughts on the two options that we have on the table right now.

IVF again - A big part of me absolutely dreads getting back on meds, doing a full egg retrieval again, and the emotional toll of treatment. But the truth is, in vitro worked for us. I got pregnant. So, really, what's another few months of this? I would really love to experience pregnancy, and another round of IVF would give us a shot at that opportunity. We would want to talk to Dr. Q about what his plan would be this time around of course. I know that there are no guarantees, but I would want to see what preventative measures Dr. Q wants to take so that we do our part in avoiding another miscarriage.

Adoption - I am tired of poking myself and, I'm tired of the continued disappointments of treatment. We've always wanted to adopt, even before we had trouble getting pregnant. I know that it's not an easy road, and it is a completely new world for us, but at the end of it, God willing we'll have a child. Infertility treatments only give us a chance at getting pregnant. Adoption seems like a more sure method of becoming parents. And who knows, since we're diagnosed as Unexplained Infertility, maybe pregnancy will just happen one day for us. If not, we can always pursue IVF again when we're ready for number baby number two or three.

Both of these options have totally valid arguments. I flip flop between both on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. lol. We don't know what we're going to do. But I trust that the Lord will make His will obvious to us as we seek Him, and He will give us the strength to get through the hardships and frustrations that will come with each.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. 
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide. 
In every change, He faithful will remain.

7 comments:

  1. Beautiful end to your post. I'll be praying for you that you find the clarity you're seeking. And I'll be following along to see how your journey into parenthood unfolds.

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  2. Your courage and strength are so inspiring! I am so sorry you are going through this. Infertility in and of itself is enough emotional trauma for anyone human, let alone the added tragedy of miscarriage. I pray God continues to heal you both.
    Your part on adoption is so totally true to what we feel when we get to this crossroad in infertility. I have done 5 IUI's, and currently sit at a crossroad now. My doctor nor myself feel IVF is a safe option for me. While we know we will not go onto IVF, but instead will go into adoption, I am still struggling to accept it. It is the plan I know is right for us, but I still can't let go of my RE, the med's and IUI. We plan to do one last cycle, as we already had the majority of the medicine needed. But I find each month I come up with a new reason to hold off, wanting the last cycle to be as perfect as possible. Reality is that I just can't bear to let go of that hope of conceiving and carrying my own child.
    I will continue to pray for your healing and for your next step to be guided by Him. *hugs*

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  3. Denay, my heart broke for you when I found out about your miscarriage! You are in my prayers! I believe that these are both valid choices and one day you will be blessed with a baby.

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  4. I'm glad you posted! I had been thinking about you. God definitely will reveal His plan to you. I cannot imagine the grief that you feel, but He does. You are such a strong woman, and have gracefully accepted the trials life has thrown at you. Praying for your direction in which path to take.

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  5. I have been thinking of you a lot. I know you will decide what is best for you both. I hope Dr. Q can ease your mind with a good plan if you do decide to do another IVF cycle. Your strength really is inspiring! Sending all my love.

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  6. Being in limbo is awful. I'm the same as you in that if I have something to focus on, or the hope of a possible "solution", I'm much better. We're at a standstill right now, and it's no fun. Praying that God clearly reveals to you the path that He wants you to take!

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  7. It's a very tough decision to make. I've been there and if you want to talk it over just let me know. ((hugs)) and <3<3<3

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