It's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. On the surface, there is not much going on. We've been matched, we are trying to develop a relationship with Q, we've got some new items on the to-do list, and we're just waiting for the due date to roll around. Under the surface is a different story. It's kind of confusing to tell you the truth, and I'm not sure if it will make sense, but I'm going to take a stab at it anyway.
When we got pregnant, my due date was on December 8, just a couple days from now. I've been a little emotional as I think about what life would have been like if that baby would have made it. As I attempt to prepare for all of the unique challenges that we will experience as transracial adoptive parents, I admit that I envy the lack of complexity that comes with a biological family. Wouldn't it be easier to be pregnant myself than to be a third wheel alongside Q's pregnancy? Wouldn't it be easier if I could bring our baby home and not have to think about the birthmom's grief? Wouldn't it be easier if our baby had hair like mine? Wouldn't it be easier if I could just breastfeed and not have to figure out how to stimulate my body to produce milk or spend money on formula? Wouldn't it be easier if I didn't have to think about the potential obstacles in being a multi racial family? Wouldn't it be easier if I could actually let myself fall in love with this baby, than to feel the need to protect my heart in the event that this adoption doesn't actually happen? Perhaps I over-glamorize the ease of getting pregnant and having a biological child. But at this point in time...I just feel like adoption is hard. I feel like I've lossed a sense of normalcy. Please understand that I don't regret adoption at all! I'm happy to be where we are at, with this specific birthmom and baby. I love adoption, and I'm very glad that we decided to do this instead of more treatment. But at the same time, I'm sad that so far, none of this journey has been easy for us, and the future is intimidating as well.
;) I know that God will continue to supply grace to get through whatever challenges arise. I'm thankful that I have time to work through all of these thoughts and feelings before the baby comes. It's a season of processing and preparing, and even if that makes me emotional from time to time, it's a good thing. :)