Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm emotional. Bleh.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. On the surface, there is not much going on. We've been matched, we are trying to develop a relationship with Q, we've got some new items on the to-do list, and we're just waiting for the due date to roll around. Under the surface is a different story. It's kind of confusing to tell you the truth, and I'm not sure if it will make sense, but I'm going to take a stab at it anyway. 

When we got pregnant, my due date was on December 8, just a couple days from now. I've been a little emotional as I think about what life would have been like if that baby would have made it. As I attempt to prepare for all of the unique challenges that we will experience as transracial adoptive parents, I admit that I envy the lack of complexity that comes with a biological family. Wouldn't it be easier to be pregnant myself than to be a third wheel alongside Q's pregnancy? Wouldn't it be easier if I could bring our baby home and not have to think about the birthmom's grief? Wouldn't it be easier if our baby had hair like mine? Wouldn't it be easier if I could just breastfeed and not have to figure out how to stimulate my body to produce milk or spend money on formula? Wouldn't it be easier if I didn't have to think about the potential obstacles in being a multi racial family? Wouldn't it be easier if I could actually let myself fall in love with this baby, than to feel the need to protect my heart in the event that this adoption doesn't actually happen? Perhaps I over-glamorize the ease of getting pregnant and having a biological child. But at this point in time...I just feel like adoption is hard. I feel like I've lossed a sense of normalcy. Please understand that I don't regret adoption at all! I'm happy to be where we are at, with this specific birthmom and baby. I love adoption, and I'm very glad that we decided to do this instead of more treatment. But at the same time, I'm sad that so far, none of this journey has been easy for us, and the future is intimidating as well. 
;) I know that God will continue to supply grace to get through whatever challenges arise. I'm thankful that I have time to work through all of these thoughts and feelings before the baby comes. It's a season of processing and preparing, and even if that makes me emotional from time to time, it's a good thing. :)


  1. I know exactly how you feel (well, minus the transracial family part). It's hard to process and yes, it would be much easier if we could have a biological child BUT...let me tell you, it is SO worth it! Have you read the book Adopted For Life by Russell Moore? It's a great book and he talks about how adoption is spiritual warfare. I completely agree! Lean on God and trust His perfect plan.

  2. Denay,

    I Don't Know If you Are Aware Of This Or Not...But Your Sweet And Beautiful Mother-In Law Has A Lot Of Cousins And Even An Aunt Who Has Adopted ALL Of Her Children...Bunny Stutzman Adopted Children That Were Biracial...And We LOVED THOSE KIDS Like They Were Any One Of Our Cousins. On The Other Side Of The Coin Is Where I Speak From...Being Adopted Can Be Very Wonderful...But I Will Tell You That I Had My Struggles With Being THAT ADOPTED CHILD....Just Like Many Of My Cousins Did. And I NEVER Fully Got Over It Till I Met My Birthfamily 5 Yrs Ago. It Wasn't Until I Met My BIOLOGICAL Family That I Truly Appreciated The Miller's For Adopting Me. Don't Get Me Wrong...I DEARLY LOVED The Family That Adopted Me...But Back In The 60's Things Were SOOO MUCH DIFFERENT Than They Are Now. I Came With NO RECORDS Of ANY KIND. My Mom And Dad Didn't Have A Clue What Kind Of Home I Came From, Or Why I Was Put Up For Adoption. They Took What They Were Given, And Did The Best They Could With What They Had To Work With.
    I Am TRULY THANKFUL That Bill And Irene Miller Adopted My Brother And I. They Gave Us A REAL HOME With Things My Birth Mother Could Never Have Given Me. They Gave ME The Kind Of Education That EVERY PARENT Dreams Of Giving Their Children. There Was Love In Our Home, And We Always Had EVERYTHING We Needed And Most Of What We Wanted. But Yet There Were Things They Couldn't Give Me...They Couldn't Give Me The Answers About WHO I WAS, Or Where I Came From, Or Anything Like That. But They Gave Me The MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE...They Gave Me Love, They Showed Me Jesus, They Raised Me In A God Fearing Home, And Raised Me In Church And Taught Me EVERYTHING That I Would Ever Need In Life to Succeed.
    These Are Things That you Will Be Able To Tell Your Sweet Little Girl :) You Will Be Able To Let Her Know What A Wonderful Thing Her Birth Mother Did For You By Allowing You To Adopt Her. You Will Be Able To Answer Questions That I Could Only Dream That My Parents Had Known The Answers To.
    I Am SO Excited For You And Ryan To Become Parents, Because Even Though I Have Never Met You In Person...I Know That Your Daughter Will Be LOVED With SOOOO MUCH LOVE!!! I Know Her Grandparents To Be!! I Know Most Of Her Nisly Aunts And Uncles And Many Of The Nisly Cousins, And Some Of Her Bender Aunts And Uncles And Cousins...There will Definitely Be NO LACK Of Love For Your Sweet And Precious Daughter!! :) I Can Tell By Your Pics, And ALL Your Posts That You And Ryan Have SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE Your Daughter!! :)
    There Are So Many People In your Family That Will Be There For You And Ryan EVERY STEP Of The Way. I Also Know That Ryan Has A Cousin Pam Bartholomew That Works In The Adoption Field In The Hartville, Ohio Area. Joe And Ruby(Your Mother In Law's Cousin) Schrock Have Several Daughters That Adopted Children From Other Countries...And They Would Be SUCH A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM For you Too!!!! :)
    I Pray For You And Ryan Each And EVERY DAY!! I Will Pray That Your Journey Becomes Easier For You Both!! Take Advantage Of The Time You Have In Getting to Know That /Birthmother Of Your Sweet And Beautiful Little Girl!! Take Time To FEEL ALL The Feelings that you Are Going Through!! Denay...those Feelings you Have Are Not Wrong!!! They Are NORMAL!! If You Didn't Feel The Way That you Do, I Would Wonder Why. :)
    I Will count It An Honor And A Privilege To Continue To Pray For you And Ryan, As Well As The Rest Of The Miller/Bender Families!! It's Not Hard to Pray For People That I Love So Dearly!! :)
    I Hope And Pray That you Have An AMAZING Christmas With your Families Can't Wait To Read More Of What you Have to Post In The Future!! :)
    BJ Miller