I added another negative test to my collection yesterday. It was a couple days early, so it's not a sure thing quite yet, but I'm not counting on a different result when I test again. Ryan and I have decided to take a break in October if this IUI is in fact unsuccessful. We need time to process, pray, and seek counsel on what to do next. We're not convinced that we want to give it a third shot, like we originally thought we would. It is possible that the third time would be the charm, but at the same time, if it's failed twice before, what are the chances that a third time would actually result in a pregnancy? I want our decision to be logical, not just emotional. And I want to be open to what God would have us do. I've been feeling tugs at my heart toward adoption and I'm wondering if God is leading us in that direction now. It's going to be hard to transition my emotions and efforts from trying to get pregnant, with all the meds and treatments, to adoption, with all of it's paperwork and more waiting. On one hand, I feel like I'm giving up. On the other hand, with all the prayers going into this endeavor, and all the best case scenarios I've had trying to get pregnant, if it doesn't happen I am confident that He has another plan for us. And I will be excited to seek out the blessing He is preparing for us in someone else's womb.
This is not easy. This is really hard. This is not the way I anticipated things going for Ryan and I. But you know, of all the trials that God could have put in my life to bring me closer to Him, I know that this one is accomplishing it's purpose. I am fully confident that this is bringing Him glory, and that makes the hurt well worth it. I came across this song today by Ginny Owens. It pretty much sums it up for me right now. Enjoy -
P.S. In case you're wondering, yes, I will post again once I get the results of my final test.